Friday, September 14, 2012

What Not To Do After A Breakup

All girls are so good at telling their best friends what to do post breakup, myself included. I can tell you he sucks, you deserve better. Remember all those times he was mean and controlling? WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU GO BACK? However, when it comes to yourself, the rules don’t apply. It’s your heart that taking the fall, it’s your heart that knows better than what you friends have to say, right? Your ex is better than your friends ex, right? Wrong. But here are some things to ponder (aka don’t do. At all.)

1.       Keeping the same close knit mutual friends. Going out on Friday night is fun! Whoo! Boom there he is. Shit. Tonight sucks. WHY is he still around?! Ugh, is he following me? Can’t I go anywhere without seeing him?!!? No, dumbass you can’t because you’re going out with people who still like him too. Although, some friends tend to “pick sides” when a couple splits, but there are those friends who genuinely like both of you. Save them the hassle on feeling like a bad guy. I’m not say peace out on every friend associated, but branching out, meeting new people even in different cities is an awesome idea. And when you’re chatting up the hottie in the corner of the bar, your ex won’t be across the rooms giving you looks that could kill. Or vice versa.
2.      Stalking. Don’t do that shit, you freak. Your next boyfriend isn’t in the bushes of your ex’s apartment complex.
3.      Go ape psycho bitch on him. Sure, you’re mad. He let you down! It didn’t work out. Believe me, if I had went ape psycho bitch on any of my ex’s every time I had the opportunity, I would have no friends. Or dignity. People will respect you if you bite your tongue, smile, wave, and walk on being the awesome girl you are. Also, 99% of people have phones who have video cameras. Don’t do that to yourself.  
4.      Text him. This is an easy one. Why are you communicating? To remind you of what you had when you were two different people? No thanks, you should be good.
5.      Post sad, depressing, wahhh wahhhhhhhhh tweets. “My heart is broken, do you see what you did to me?” You look pathetic. And people will probably unfollow your ass.
6.      Revenge sex. And this means alllllll forms of revenge sex. Don’t sleep with his best friend, that gets nobody anywhere except for being caught in a big circle of rumors. SHE DID WHAT?! Don’t sleep with his brother. Really? What are you thinking? Don’t sleep with him in hopes that your hot bod will resurface old feelings and you’ll instantly be in love again, holding hands. None of that works. You’re just left with guilt and you’ll feel completely stupid. And if you don’t feel stupid, you’re stupid. Lose, Lose.
7.      Talk about the breakup to everyone, every day. It’s healthy to vent. I vented 8,542 times. But your aunt’s sister’s kid’s dog doesn’t really give a crap. He just wants to chew on his bone. Say what you need to say, but don’t dwell. If all you’re focusing on is why you ended, you’re not focusing on why you should get over it.
8.      Wait for him. No matter the circumstance, no matter the outcome, no matter how awesome of a person he may portray to be… never wait on him. Ever. This is the #1 rule. Never wait on a man who took a good, long, hard look at you and said “no thanks. I’ll try my luck elsewhere.”

I broke, not all, but most of these (I’ve never been much of a stalker and other related things above), but looking back, the ones I did break, I know a time machine would come in really handy so I could choose not to do those. But I don’t hate every guy I’ve been involved with (except for that one forever ago, you kinda always did and always will suck, blow me). And the reason it doesn’t turn into World War 3 every time I see them is because I made some smart decisions long ago and not acted how I wanted to in the moment. People remember what you do when you do it and someday you’ll be just a memory for some people. Do your best to be a good one.