You did everything right that night in October. Texting me the night we met with a simple "It was nice to meet you tonight, sweetheart." You didn't come on too strong. You didn't try to come home with me or have me come home with you. You didn't wait three days to text me again so we would play the "who will text who first" stupid game guys like to play. But I couldn't date you.
You were really attractive too. Please don't think this whole "me not being able to commit" has anything to do with your looks. Trust me, it didn't. I could've climbed you like a tree. Eventually, I did. But I couldn't date you.
You asked me to go do something fun with you that following day because you didn't want to wait until the weekend to see me. Whatever in the world I wanted to do. Dinner? Movies? Bowling? Rock climbing? Shit, you liked me so much, I believe I could've said let's fly to Spain and you would've already had the tickets bought. I picked the movies because that's the least interactive. I was nervous. You paid for mine and even got me popcorn, & a drink. But I couldn't date you.
After the movie, we went and got milkshakes from Cookout. I was determined to make this seem more of a friendly outing so I insisted on paying for our milkshakes with my card since you paid for the movies. You took it from me and handed the cashier your own. You didn't know how nice that was, but I did. I smiled. That was a fun night. But I couldn't date you.
You drove me home and walked me to my door. You didn't even ask to come in to "hang out." You gave me a kiss on my lips and asked could you see me again. I blushed. I was internally fighting a battle. One that I knew I wanted to see you again because I knew how good of a guy you were but the other part of me wanted to run. Run from you. I wouldn't let you destroy me and that wall I had built around my heart, even though I knew if I would've let my guard down, it would've been so easy. So easy to give myself to you. But I couldn't date you.
Four months, one big trip together, meeting all your friends and family, Thanksgiving and 3 Christmas presents later, I knew I was kidding myself. I was leading you on. You could cuddle up to me or sit on the other side of the couch, it was like I couldn't care less either way. It was New Years Eve. I had went and bought a beautiful cocktail dress, straightened my hair and applied my makeup. I opened the door and you took a deep breath in and said "Wow." I'll never forget the party we went to. I ignored you and I'm sorry. The clock counted down and all the couples around us were so excited to begin the new year with a kiss. But not me. I didn't want to kiss you at all. I knew right then you deserved better. I couldn't date you.
The whole line "it's not you, it's me" is usually a crock of shit, but really it was true this time. You were great. Thank you for being so great. Everyone told me I was an idiot. Everyone told me to go for it. But what everyone didn't know was very simple: my heart just wasn't ready. I'm sorry, but I just couldn't date you.
xo
-A
twitter: @agcrute
