Monday, October 15, 2012

Loving Someone Who Doesn't Exist

It’s easy when you’re lonely to think of the times you weren’t. The memories stream back in your mind like wildfire running through a dry forest in the late summer. Streaming, flooding back to you, comforting for a second, but hurting for days. You think back to times you laughed so hard, partied until 4am, slept in late cuddling, throwing birthday get-togethers, attending concerts, sweet gestures, and the times you cried happy tears because you had no idea love could be that strong.

But all that’s no good.

You were probably thinkng this post was about loving the perfect guy who will never exist. The one who doesn't ever look at other girls, and only has eyes for you. But guys are guys. That's the thing with love - you see a person perfectly. You see past their flaws and only what good they bring - even after the relationship is over. It happens quite frequently with guys and girls. Day by day, you go in and out of the same routine, going to class or to work, seeing the same people, eating at that café, laughing at that same teacher who just doesn’t seem to have it all together. Day by day, it’s all the same and then out of nowhere, everything’s different. You’re listening to different music, going to different parties, and meeting different guys. And so is he. You see him smoking cigarettes and think of how he always hated cigarettes. You find yourself traveling to cities, moving to a different city that you never thought you’d have the nerve to. You see yourself being attracted to guys who are little more rough around the edges when you’ve always been into clean cut boys. Time changes us in ways we aren’t aware until we compare them with who we used to be – and that’s not always a bad thing to compare yourself to. The earth moves, seasons shift, the look outside your window changes as the years go by. I think it’s signifies we are supposed to alter ourselves too.

You’re not the person he loved. He’s not the person you loved. They are gone, they are broken. I read somewhere before that no matter how much mayonnaise you put in it, you can’t make chicken salad out of chicken shit. We learned from an earlier blog, that you heart can love someone and not want to be with them. So as a matter of fact, you love someone who doesn’t exist. That is normal. The memories you have tied to that person could never be recreated because when you loved them, they were someone completely different. There’s a good chance this new person they’ve become, you wouldn’t like and no matter how hard you try to recreate what you used to have – there’s a chance it’s completely hopeless. There’s also a greater chance the person you’ve became, he wouldn’t like either. This isn’t sad – this is growth. There are people you are meant to fall in love with, but not be with forever. You have to have your heart broken. You have feel wounded so you can change. You have to love someone who doesn’t exist.

Keep the memories, but don’t dwell in them – begging them to keep you back in time. Cherish them, but face forward and move on to better days. You will experience a greater love and maybe even another greater heartbreak. There are a million kinds of love in this world - never, ever the same love twice. That’s the exciting thing, its unpredictable. You’ll see something on Facebook that used to piss you off, but then there will be that beautiful day in August, when you see it and keep on scrolling. Wait for that day. Create that day. On the days you’re tempted to look back, I think it’s okay. It’s okay to remind yourself of where you’ve been. But always keep in your mind where you are, and most importantly where it is that you are going. The best thing about memories is that they never change – even if the people in them… do.


“I wouldn’t be who I am today, if not for those I’ve loved along the way.” –ec.

twitter: @agcrute