Friday, November 9, 2012

I Can Feel Again

Today at 3:33pm, I caught myself smiling for no good reason. It wasn't because of a super sweet text from a guy I have a little bit of a crush on. I didn’t just buy the omg cutest outfit ever! I’m not even drinking wine (yet). I did have a slice of pizza for lunch, but it was just a slice of pizza. It wasn’t mind-blowing. There is no date tonight that I should be giddy about and I don’t even get to see my best friend this weekend. But I realized one thing today when my lips were parted, curling up at the ends. Happiness. Bliss. I realized I can feel again.

There is no longer any glooming, haunting ghosts lingering in the shadows of the past. The clouds are not grey anymore. It doesn’t always rain. I don’t strive to be a size 2 because that would impress the people I’m around anymore. There are no fake lip-glossed smiles in the background spreading rumors behind my back. I don’t withhold my thoughts in efforts to not offend people in my life because I am too scared they wouldn’t respect my opinion. I am not a blank slate. My personality is not dulled. I'm not a lonely soul. My heart is no longer concrete. My heart no longer feels weighed down longing to pursue hopes and dreams that I thought would always remain hopes and dreams. I don’t wear makeup to cover up the hate or the tears or the pain. I don’t walk around on eggshells anymore, cutting my eyes to my right and left like I used to when going out with friends hoping not to run into people I really didn’t want to see. I don’t pick out my outfits in hopes of impressing people I don’t really give a shit about. I don’t hate the city I’m in. I don’t question my friends intentions. I don’t fake a smile, then go home and cry anymore. I don’t fake life anymore. There are no more demons. I can feel again.

I caught myself in utter glee because I am happy. Life has been restored in through my lifeless fingertips streaming up my arms, circling my body and to the very tips of my hair. I did it. I can feel every inch of every emotion running through my veins. The sun’s rays gives even more life to my movements and my smile has never been brighter. I wear whatever the hell I want to because I feel good in it. I want to dance around my room in an oversized t-shirt and sing into my hair brush with absolutely no makeup or pants on. I could stand to lose about ten pounds or so, but that just means I’m able to afford really, really good lobster mac & cheese. Every day is gorgeous. My eyes wake up to a thriving city every morning. My personality glistens. I gain my happiness and peace of mind by attempting to give the same to other people. My laugh has never been so effortless. Laughter surrounds me, and it spins out of control. My heart is weightless. I find pleasure in the little things again. The people I surround myself with make me a better person without changing who I am. I saved myself by finding myself.

I’ve found you can be the own love of your life. I have a freed heart.

 I can feel again.


follow me on twitter: @agcrute