Friday, December 28, 2012

the battle.

there are things about me that you don’t know.
these things i’ve tucked deep inside of
my heart
just for the sake of the vulnerability that come with letting them show.
i’ve fought endless
against them yet their rein has always succeeded past my ever-failing power.
i’ve tried pushing them away, ignoring their existence, regretting their purpose and even
blaming them
on people who didn’t deserve it. but this is my fight.
it feels like i’ve been fighting for
now since the day that i fell. {since the day it all came crashing down.}
i think the biggest battle is not being about to let myself go. to really, truly, fully
l e t. m y s e l f. g o.
i want to open a window and release
it into the wind. weightless.
the part of me that i have been hiding is storming, is clawing, is praying, is fighting
to get out. and i've lost its control. the
has grown strong and i can't hold it back.
when can i let it if not today? what’s it going to take?
days have passed since that
that dreadful hour when i lost me. color faded to black.
black turned to numb.
like waves crashing to the shore being tossed back to sea
(i went back and forth for 5 centuries) ... until time halted. numb faded.
what's burned was left behind.

just like that.

it was over.

& now it’s beauty. i see the
end of the end.
like a leaf breaking free of a limb. like your first steps. like a free fall. exhilarating. effortlessly breaking free into you into me.

“i promise you i will try harder. i have battled with things inside me for longer than you know. i do not know what they are or why they are there. i only know that they feel manageable, defeatable, sustainable when i am with you.”


follow me on twitter: @agcrute

Friday, December 21, 2012

He's Just Not That Into You

If he texts you, and you overrespond (and you know what I mean by overresponding "OMG HEY! Wanna do something tonight? No? Tomorrow night then? I'm free then too. Kay! Can't wait hehe smooches!") and then your plans don't happen tomorrow night, he's just not that into you.

If you text him and he never responds....37 times in a row... he's just not that into you. Stalker.

If you wave at him across campus and he takes an extra 10 minute walk to avoid the sidewalk you usually pass each other on, he's just not that into you.

If you see him out, offer to buy him a drink, and he declines ...and goes to a different bar... on the other side of town, he's just not that into you.

If he only texts you between the hours of 11pm and 4am, he's just not that into you. I don't care if he calls you "baby" during the span of these hours either.

If he's never been to your apartment in the daytime, he's just not that into you.

If you are crying and he straight up laughs at you and says you have an ugly "cry face," he's just not that into you. Sorry about your face.

If you're drunk and he pushes you head first into a trashcan, he's just not that into you. This is a sure fire sign.

If you are still saying YOLO with a serious face, he's just not that into you. Your name is not Drake. And if it is, don't do this.

If you ask him to prom and he says "hell to the no," he's just not that into you. Bribing to pay for everything won't help either.

If you don't like sports, he's just not that into you. Why the hell don't you like sports?

If the only interaction you get with him is the fact that he copies your answers in Chemistry II, he's just not that into you. H2NO.

If you invite him over for wine and dinner, and he says he's got to watch his grandma's sisters husband's aunt's kids baby cousins cat who just had kittens, he's just not that into you.

If you like Honey Boo Boo, he's just not that into you.

Bottom line - if he's into you, you'll know it. And if he's not, wishing that he was isn't gonna make him change his mind.


Sunday, December 16, 2012

The Definition of Beauty

You buy expensive shampoo for $42 dollars a bottle. The conditioner is $42 dollars more. This shampoo makes your hair smell like lavender and sunny summer days. You slip into your lavish robe, tossle your hair with creams and straightening oils, blow drying it so your bangs tickle your eyebrows and your strands lay in loose curls at the ends framing your heart-shaped face. Foundation, bronzer, blush, eyeshadow, mascara, eyelash curler, eye-liner and lipstick. In that order. Your little black dress is hanging nicely on your steamer, without one wrinkle tarnishing it. You feel good tonight. You look good tonight. You feel beautiful.

I feel like when people think of beautiful, they think of the glamour, face value definition of the word. Full thick long hair, big lips, bright eyes, curvature of their hips, and being a size two. The definition of beauty is too concerned with your outside appearance - what you present to the world when you're viewed walking down the street. Have you ever had a night when you feel beautiful? Of course you have. You feel the eyes lay on you and the saddest part is that feeling, that rush is what gives you satisfaction. You did good. Your outfit compliments your body, that expensive shampoo has done your hair a favor and your makeup is natural, yet flattering to your skin tone. It's impressive to everyone around you and they don't even know you. You are percieved as beautiful, as desirable, without them even knowing your name or your story.

I think the definition of beauty is a little distorted. I believe we're approaching it from the wrong outlet. Just because your physical attire is attractive, doesn't mean you are. Don't get me wrong - there is nothing wrong with feeling good about your appearance and taking care of yourself - being proud of the way society views you at first glance. There is nothing wrong with workin' it. However, I think before people describe you as beautiful, they should find out what is or is not beautiful about all of you.

What do you do when no one is around? Who are you when no one is looking? The best judgement of someone's character is how they treat the people that can do nothing for them. When you pass someone on the street who has dropped their groceries, do you take the time and stop and help them? Or are you checking your lipstick in the nearby mirror? When a friend is going through a tough time, do you stay in and talk to them until 2 in the morning? Or is chatting it up with the hottie at the bar number one on your priority list? Are you the girl that vents all of your problems, expecting friends to drop their plans, but never finding the seconds to return the favor? Are you spreading rumors about someone whose heart would drop if they found out just for the sake of drama? Are you the girl who expects to cut in the line for the bathroom at the bar because "you just dont wait in lines?" When your grandma calls to check in on you and it's a bad time, do you call her back when you're about to go into a store so the conversation time is limited? Are you falling for attention that comes with the lies and deciet just because that's what everyone else is doing? Having an ugly persona hidden underneath of your beautiful outward appearance makes you ugly. Unfortunately, this is something that only gets revealed as time progresses, but time reveals all secrets. Make sure you remember that. The definition of beauty should be less about how the world views you after judging you on a scale of 1-10, and more importantly focused on your heart, and the selfless ways you extend to others who can do absolutely nothing for you.

Victoria Soto, the sweet teacher in the Conneticut shooting, had a heart so big for her kids, she selflessly gave her life over theirs. I'm sure you've seen her picture. She is very pretty, but after reading her story, I think we all can agree that is the definition of beautiful. Make sure your story is worth reading too.

If your beauty on the outside was a direct reflection of your beauty on the inside, just how beautiful would you be?


follow me on twitter: @agcrute

Friday, December 14, 2012

No Boyfriend for Christmas? My Life Blows.


I know we're all supposed to want to have a boyfriend for Christmas. One where we can watch his eyes light up when he reveals tickets to that big UNC basketball game this spring he's been talking about since like 7 months ago when they played that other stupid team last time. You're supposed to want to snug up to his mom as she ooooo's and ahhhh's over your Christmas dress and new shiny black pumps. You're supposed to want to shoot the shit with his dad over the football game and impress him by yelling 4TH DOWN!!! when his favorite team stops the opponent, high fives all around. You're supposed to play checkers and board games like Sorry! with his baby brother and let him be the red pieces even though you always were the red pieces. You're supposed to want to talk about the latest boy gossip on Facebook with his sister and give her advice on the most recent douchebag in her life.

But who says you have to want all that? If no one else agrees, take it from me. Just because you are single this Christmas or last Christmas too or even 13 Christmases in a row, it doesn’t mean your life is over.

Let‘s look at the bright side of this.

1.       Extra money. I used to spend a hell of a lot of money on people I dated – especially the holidays. From extravagant gifts and creative presents, I went alllll out. Last year was the first time in 8 years I hadn’t had a boyfriend over the Christmas season. 8 YEARS. Granted, they weren’t the same boyfriend, but you get it. This Christmas will be Christmas number 2 ridin’ solo and you know what? I can afford even greater gifts for my family and friends and even have enough money to go get my fav Starbucks coffee with that extra shot of espresso if I so very well choose. I know that’s totally an exaggeration, but my life isn’t over because I don’t have to shell out hundreds of dollars again on a present I don’t even know if he will really like.
2.      Not having 2 Christmases. You get to spend more time with your own family and friends and even though you may have adored his family to pieces, you don’t have to rush to get to his house before his mom’s favorite pumpkin bread comes out of the oven. You don’t even really like pumpkin bread so boom, number two really is a double whammy win-win.
3.      No stressing about what he will get you and practicing your “omg! I love it” face in the mirror just in case what he gets you blows. I’m being a bit bratty on this one. Any gift that someone gives you, you should appreciate right? And by all means if he gives you something in a Tiffany’s box, you need to marry the kid. But this year you don’t have to worry about the present he gives you really end up being a present for him – i.e. frying pan so you can cook his meals, subscription to ESPNU so he can really watch his favorite teams, tickets to the big upcoming game he’s been talking about but promises to take you to a fancy dinner prior… you get the drift. Nope, just you and your Target gift cards that you parents know you’ll love. Go buy yourself something and bask in the loveliness of it.
4.      Did I mention you get to save a shit load of money?
5.      You don’t have to stress about what a guy wears to your family functions. Mainly because there’s not a guy coming! Whoo! You don’t have to prep talk him into wearing that favorite button down, the black shoes, not the brown ones and to make sure he washes his hair and brushes his teeth. Prep him on not dropping the “f” word, not laughing when grandma snorts when she laughs, and not to comment on your mom always burning the stuffing. YOU EAT IT ANYWAY AND YOU LIKE IT. Got it? Okay babe, see you in 20. ……nope. None of dat!

Okay, so fine, these are all out of humor. But the main point is just because you don’t have a significant other to bring home for your parents to overanalyze this Christmas doesn’t mean your life is over. No, you shouldn’t go hide under a rock when Aunt Susan asks where your boyfriend is and you have to say you don’t have one. Guess what Aunt Susan? I’m perfectly happy at this family get-together, celebrating a wonderful holiday with my family, got some extra cash in my pocket, and since I’m here without a date, there’s that much more wine for me to drink.

Happy Holidays!


follow me on twitter: @agcrute

Monday, December 10, 2012

Your Apology Is Too Late

With every red light, every white car that looked just like yours, every time I passed Warner Street, every left turn I made onto your old road, I prayed you'd say it. With every passing autumn whose leaves drifted to the ground, every single winter whose temperature mimicked the cold in your eyes, every warm spring that brought your touch back to my imagination and every memory that came flooding back from the summer, I hoped you'd realize. With every morning sun, every depressing moon, every drop of rain, every flake of snow, I wanted to hear it. Every Christmas tree decorated with the ornaments I bought, every Thanksgiving where my seat at your family gathering sat empty, every person from your church on Easter that asked where I was, every firework that lit up the July night sky just like it always would light up my eyes, I was hoping you would remember. Every crashing beach wave, every winding road in the mountains that we always drove too fast around the curves, every lonely interstate that lead us to Houston, every time Lightwave departed from that dock making it's daily trip over to the shores that lead up to that lighthouse, I wanted the flashback to take you back where we existed in those moments. Every time the wind combed through my hair, every stream of the sun's heat that excited your skin, every cool breeze that danced through your clothes, and every single breath you breathed that whited the air, I needed the thought to cross your mind. Every steak you overcooked on the grill, and every pancake I burned on Saturday mornings, every sunset in St. Thomas, and every tossed nickel in the well, I wished you'd recall in rememberance of me. But you didn't.

Time passed. You faded.

I drifted away. I became anew. I escaped.

Then, there it was four years later on Wednesday around 2 pm, you waltzed into the sunlight of my new life and you apologized. Four years. The words I retraced, replayed, ran around, rearranged, threw away, revived, restated millions of times in my head all those seconds of each day were real. They finally were real. All the days when lonely were the times my thoughts circled around you, the words I'd been longing to hear, I heard. There it was standing right there in front of me, but I couldn't reach out to meet your words. It was gone. There they were flowing from the tip of your tongue, streaming from your lips into my ears, gunning straight into my heart. But they continued right through my veins and left as quickly as they had came. In that glimpse of a memory I always tried to create in my head, I just stared into your soul, but I didn't feel a thing. Thank you for never saying what I thought I deserved to hear back then. Thank you for saving me while trying to save yourself. Thank you because you let me love me without even knowing what you were doing. Thank God for your apology coming just a little too late.


follow me on twitter: @agcrute

Friday, December 7, 2012

Your Journey Is Your Journey

I don’t know about you, but I’m from a place where it seems if you’re not married by 21 or on your second kid by 25, then it’s just a known fact you’re doomed & are going to grow old alone with your 15 cats meowing at the screen door. Now, if you are one of those people who finds the love of your life at 21, go ‘head girl, go ‘head, get down. Good for you. Or maybe all you have ever wanted to do is be a mother and raise 15 kids – you know what? Be my guest.

But that’s just not me.

Actually, I had a plan once. Somewhere in this head of mine I devised a plan that I wanted to be married around 22, poppin’ out kids and being done with it no later than the young age 27. In my head at the time, 27 was like the ancient years and your life was over so you may as well raise some babies to give you something to do other than work a 40 hour week and occasionally wash clothes. So at the toddler age of like 21 or so, the only thought I was entertaining was “helllllllllooooooo, let’s get the ball rolling because I am getting ready to graduate college with life figured out and exactly what I want to do with it.” I wanted the white house in North Carolina. The house with the wrap-around porch, and huge backyard so my kids could challenge me and their father in kickball on Sunday afternoons while the sun was setting. I wanted to cook one too many servings of Hamburger Helper and burn the toast for my family of 4 or 5 or maybe even 6. Money grows on trees right? It will be easy balancing a home because I have went and explored this world and whabam! I’m ready to settle down.

“Haha,” says Life.

Actually, Life just kinda stared at me for a good day or so and was like “You, my dear, are a dumbass.”

Dang Life! Way to ease into it, ya know? You didn't even butter me up before bringing me down. Life balled up my plan like a piece of paper and set it on fire. Turns out, Life was right. I literally thought the best years of my life had passed and was completely oblivious to the amazing opportunities that were awaiting on my arrival; things I would’ve missed out on, places I never would’ve traveled, people I never would’ve shared drinks with, crushes that never would’ve given me memories, lessons I never would have learned if that plan hadn’t turned into a crumpled up piece of paper ashes.

24 is not old. HEY EVERYONE WHO THINKS 24 IS OLD: it’s not. There are too many people in this world that have this set in stone plan and if you veer off the path for a second, you’re living life wrong. The whole kickball, sunset, Hamburger Helper picture I just painted: do I want that? Of course, I want that. My wanting of that fairytale has never gone away – the timing of when I wanted it just changed. It changed to when it’s best for it to happen for me. I changed my mind because I realized I used to judge my process of being single, having a boyfriend, getting married and having children on what everyone else was doing. Everyone else in that small little town or everyone else in the big city I currently live in. I don’t know who the love of my life is yet and I’m not going to force it just because half of my Kindergarten class already has. I was wrong. And if you’re doing that too, that’s where you’re wrong.

You have to remember to never compare your journey with someone else’s. Someone else may start out faster than you, or may seem to progress more quickly than you. Maybe you don't ever want to get married or have zero kids. Maybe you want to have 20. Either way, your journey is your journey. It’s not a competition.


follow me on twitter: @agcrute

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Boyfriend No-No's

I don’t want a boyfriend who is going to call me at 3:30am just to say “I love you.” Dude I’m sleeping. Don’t wake me up when I’m sleeping. Plus he’s probably sleeping too and that’s just silly for him to wake up just to wake me up to say I love you when he can call and tell me in the morning.

And I don’t want a boyfriend who is going to buy me dinner every single night, an new iPad every time they upgrade it, every iPhone from now until iPhone264, tampons, all the makeup Sephora offers, a Michael Kors watch, everything in Nordstrom and pay my rent for me. I work 40 hours a week at a job that I love. I can afford my own tampons and mascara and to have the right to treat my boyfriend to a dinner once in a while. You can take care of yourself. It's called independence.

I also don’t want a guy who is going to bring me flowers every time he comes over to my house. It would take the magic and spontaneity out of it. It’s like trips to the beach when you were a child. Children who live at the beach don’t appreciate it as much because they see it every day.  Living at the beach takes the magic out of going to the beach. If you bring me flowers every day – sure that’s cool and all, but the beauty of a surprise and sweet gesture is when it’s unexpected and for no special reason at all. Plus you will go mad broke. Flowers can be $50 bucks a pop. Give me flowers just because it’s a Wednesday and keep the rest of the money for yourself.

Don’t give me your jacket when it’s cold. If it’s 30 degrees out, I feel like I would be smart enough to know that I need to bring my own freakin’ jacket. Duh? Guys like smart girls. If you gave me your jacket, you would then freeze your own ass off and more than likely I’ll just be sitting there in an oversized man coat while you are shivering like a puppy dog in the rain because I’m not smart enough to realize I could see my breath in the air when I left my house. Teach me a lesson! I’ll remember to bring it next time. Plus your jacket really doesn't go with my shoes.

And I don’t want my boyfriend to always let me win because I’m a girl. If you can shoot hoops and have a killer 3 point shot, NAIL THAT SHIT! I may or may not be granny shooting between my legs at the free throw line trying to murder you in HORSE, but that doesn’t mean I don’t wanna see my man make it rain on the bball court. That’s impressive. I like to know what you’re good at, not hide it so I can feel cool for 5 minutes for beating you in a basketball game that will have no significance three years later. (By the way, if I ever do beat you, I will never let you hear the end of it.)

Oh yeah, & I don’t want the boyfriend that will one day turn into my husband to think that our marriage will be based on what kind of ring he picks out. {Pay very close attention to this next sentence.} Don’t get me wrong, I know what my dream engagement ring looks like. I’ve pinned it about 47 times in my wedding board on Pinterest. But you know what? When a man gives you a ring, he is giving you his life. His promise. His commitment. A diamond is a diamond and whoever this guy is, is wanting to be with you forever, okay? This size of your diamond is not directly correlational to the size of his heart for you. I’d take a 1 carat faithful, loving man over a 4.5 carat lying, cheating asshole any day.

Think about it, Princess.


follow me on twitter: @agcrute

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

I'm a runner.

Everybody has a way they deal. Some people go for a drive, some go for a workout, some go indulge in an amazing 5 course meal set to candlelight with swanky jazz soothing in the background.

Me? I 'm a runner. 

But a long time ago, I was a runner for the wrong reasons.

I ran from confrontation.

I ran from people I was very close to.

I ran from my issues.

I ran from every person that wanted to break down these walls I have built.

I ran from vulnerability.

I ran because I was scared.

I ran because I had no clue what I wanted out of this life.

But the time came, when I noticed all of this running was in circles; it was the same repeating path. Day to day, the same situations circled around me just as I was circling around them. And I wanted out. So this time, I chose to uproot my life and run - in the opposite way - in a damn straight line.

There are friendships built in your lifetime that you think you’ll meet them once, they offer you a margarita and they end up being your lifelong friend. There are friendships built over years and years that slowly drift apart. That’s the magic of life – completely unpredictable with no guarantees. I’ve had friendships and relationships fall apart and fall back together again. I’ve had best friends turn sour and ran from that as well. I say that point to make this point:

You can run in circles as much as you want to, for as long as you wish. You can alter your personality to fit in with people you don’t even like. You can fake a smile every day of your life and you’ll be making everyone else happy but yourself. But one thing rings true: you will always go back to you. The sand will run out. You’ll always figure out the friends that matter – the friends that love you when you don’t love yourself. The friends that will be right there waiting with open arms because they understood the madness behind your running.

There are bonds created and hearts linked that time can’t tear. Time only changes you so much and you can only run from it for so long. Maybe that bond will be your best friend from 2nd grade where you friendship started because you both had Barbie lunchboxes. Or maybe that will be the girl from your freshman year in college orientation class. Or hell, it could be your pet rock. But these bonds, these people who accept you for your strengths and weaknesses -- never let them go. Never let your sight of something temporary succeed over these people. You will always go back to you. And when you find that out, you’ll be wiser, stronger and surrounded by the friends that will look at you and say “I know you run, but this time I’m here to stop you.”

Although, I don't know where I'm running nor who will stop me, hallelujah, praise the good Lord above that this time I know I’m running in the right direction.


follow me on twitter: @agcrute