Thursday, December 6, 2012

Boyfriend No-No's

I don’t want a boyfriend who is going to call me at 3:30am just to say “I love you.” Dude I’m sleeping. Don’t wake me up when I’m sleeping. Plus he’s probably sleeping too and that’s just silly for him to wake up just to wake me up to say I love you when he can call and tell me in the morning.

And I don’t want a boyfriend who is going to buy me dinner every single night, an new iPad every time they upgrade it, every iPhone from now until iPhone264, tampons, all the makeup Sephora offers, a Michael Kors watch, everything in Nordstrom and pay my rent for me. I work 40 hours a week at a job that I love. I can afford my own tampons and mascara and to have the right to treat my boyfriend to a dinner once in a while. You can take care of yourself. It's called independence.

I also don’t want a guy who is going to bring me flowers every time he comes over to my house. It would take the magic and spontaneity out of it. It’s like trips to the beach when you were a child. Children who live at the beach don’t appreciate it as much because they see it every day.  Living at the beach takes the magic out of going to the beach. If you bring me flowers every day – sure that’s cool and all, but the beauty of a surprise and sweet gesture is when it’s unexpected and for no special reason at all. Plus you will go mad broke. Flowers can be $50 bucks a pop. Give me flowers just because it’s a Wednesday and keep the rest of the money for yourself.

Don’t give me your jacket when it’s cold. If it’s 30 degrees out, I feel like I would be smart enough to know that I need to bring my own freakin’ jacket. Duh? Guys like smart girls. If you gave me your jacket, you would then freeze your own ass off and more than likely I’ll just be sitting there in an oversized man coat while you are shivering like a puppy dog in the rain because I’m not smart enough to realize I could see my breath in the air when I left my house. Teach me a lesson! I’ll remember to bring it next time. Plus your jacket really doesn't go with my shoes.

And I don’t want my boyfriend to always let me win because I’m a girl. If you can shoot hoops and have a killer 3 point shot, NAIL THAT SHIT! I may or may not be granny shooting between my legs at the free throw line trying to murder you in HORSE, but that doesn’t mean I don’t wanna see my man make it rain on the bball court. That’s impressive. I like to know what you’re good at, not hide it so I can feel cool for 5 minutes for beating you in a basketball game that will have no significance three years later. (By the way, if I ever do beat you, I will never let you hear the end of it.)

Oh yeah, & I don’t want the boyfriend that will one day turn into my husband to think that our marriage will be based on what kind of ring he picks out. {Pay very close attention to this next sentence.} Don’t get me wrong, I know what my dream engagement ring looks like. I’ve pinned it about 47 times in my wedding board on Pinterest. But you know what? When a man gives you a ring, he is giving you his life. His promise. His commitment. A diamond is a diamond and whoever this guy is, is wanting to be with you forever, okay? This size of your diamond is not directly correlational to the size of his heart for you. I’d take a 1 carat faithful, loving man over a 4.5 carat lying, cheating asshole any day.

Think about it, Princess.


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