Friday, December 14, 2012

No Boyfriend for Christmas? My Life Blows.


I know we're all supposed to want to have a boyfriend for Christmas. One where we can watch his eyes light up when he reveals tickets to that big UNC basketball game this spring he's been talking about since like 7 months ago when they played that other stupid team last time. You're supposed to want to snug up to his mom as she ooooo's and ahhhh's over your Christmas dress and new shiny black pumps. You're supposed to want to shoot the shit with his dad over the football game and impress him by yelling 4TH DOWN!!! when his favorite team stops the opponent, high fives all around. You're supposed to play checkers and board games like Sorry! with his baby brother and let him be the red pieces even though you always were the red pieces. You're supposed to want to talk about the latest boy gossip on Facebook with his sister and give her advice on the most recent douchebag in her life.

But who says you have to want all that? If no one else agrees, take it from me. Just because you are single this Christmas or last Christmas too or even 13 Christmases in a row, it doesn’t mean your life is over.

Let‘s look at the bright side of this.

1.       Extra money. I used to spend a hell of a lot of money on people I dated – especially the holidays. From extravagant gifts and creative presents, I went alllll out. Last year was the first time in 8 years I hadn’t had a boyfriend over the Christmas season. 8 YEARS. Granted, they weren’t the same boyfriend, but you get it. This Christmas will be Christmas number 2 ridin’ solo and you know what? I can afford even greater gifts for my family and friends and even have enough money to go get my fav Starbucks coffee with that extra shot of espresso if I so very well choose. I know that’s totally an exaggeration, but my life isn’t over because I don’t have to shell out hundreds of dollars again on a present I don’t even know if he will really like.
2.      Not having 2 Christmases. You get to spend more time with your own family and friends and even though you may have adored his family to pieces, you don’t have to rush to get to his house before his mom’s favorite pumpkin bread comes out of the oven. You don’t even really like pumpkin bread so boom, number two really is a double whammy win-win.
3.      No stressing about what he will get you and practicing your “omg! I love it” face in the mirror just in case what he gets you blows. I’m being a bit bratty on this one. Any gift that someone gives you, you should appreciate right? And by all means if he gives you something in a Tiffany’s box, you need to marry the kid. But this year you don’t have to worry about the present he gives you really end up being a present for him – i.e. frying pan so you can cook his meals, subscription to ESPNU so he can really watch his favorite teams, tickets to the big upcoming game he’s been talking about but promises to take you to a fancy dinner prior… you get the drift. Nope, just you and your Target gift cards that you parents know you’ll love. Go buy yourself something and bask in the loveliness of it.
4.      Did I mention you get to save a shit load of money?
5.      You don’t have to stress about what a guy wears to your family functions. Mainly because there’s not a guy coming! Whoo! You don’t have to prep talk him into wearing that favorite button down, the black shoes, not the brown ones and to make sure he washes his hair and brushes his teeth. Prep him on not dropping the “f” word, not laughing when grandma snorts when she laughs, and not to comment on your mom always burning the stuffing. YOU EAT IT ANYWAY AND YOU LIKE IT. Got it? Okay babe, see you in 20. ……nope. None of dat!

Okay, so fine, these are all out of humor. But the main point is just because you don’t have a significant other to bring home for your parents to overanalyze this Christmas doesn’t mean your life is over. No, you shouldn’t go hide under a rock when Aunt Susan asks where your boyfriend is and you have to say you don’t have one. Guess what Aunt Susan? I’m perfectly happy at this family get-together, celebrating a wonderful holiday with my family, got some extra cash in my pocket, and since I’m here without a date, there’s that much more wine for me to drink.

Happy Holidays!


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