Friday, December 28, 2012

the battle.

there are things about me that you don’t know.
these things i’ve tucked deep inside of
my heart
just for the sake of the vulnerability that come with letting them show.
i’ve fought endless
against them yet their rein has always succeeded past my ever-failing power.
i’ve tried pushing them away, ignoring their existence, regretting their purpose and even
blaming them
on people who didn’t deserve it. but this is my fight.
it feels like i’ve been fighting for
now since the day that i fell. {since the day it all came crashing down.}
i think the biggest battle is not being about to let myself go. to really, truly, fully
l e t. m y s e l f. g o.
i want to open a window and release
it into the wind. weightless.
the part of me that i have been hiding is storming, is clawing, is praying, is fighting
to get out. and i've lost its control. the
has grown strong and i can't hold it back.
when can i let it if not today? what’s it going to take?
days have passed since that
that dreadful hour when i lost me. color faded to black.
black turned to numb.
like waves crashing to the shore being tossed back to sea
(i went back and forth for 5 centuries) ... until time halted. numb faded.
what's burned was left behind.

just like that.

it was over.

& now it’s beauty. i see the
end of the end.
like a leaf breaking free of a limb. like your first steps. like a free fall. exhilarating. effortlessly breaking free into you into me.

“i promise you i will try harder. i have battled with things inside me for longer than you know. i do not know what they are or why they are there. i only know that they feel manageable, defeatable, sustainable when i am with you.”


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