every storm runs out of rain. time closes doors. i step into a whirlwind of emotions that spins to stale air and i'm outside lost in its magic and dreary clouds. every second ticks to the next matching the deep gasps that overwhelm my lungs. but with time, everything is different. patterns turn solid, color drifts to black - not even black; worse than black. color turns colorless, it's almost like negative air. all this happens as time moves on. time makes me want to scream into a mirror and pull my hair out and slap myself to wake up from the nightmare and fall to my knees because that's the last place left to fall. time makes me strong because i have no other option other than to be strong.
time makes me question. time plays these horrible tricks and games and creeps into my mind taking over my soul; changing me into my worst enemy making me forget everything i needed to remember. my blonde hair fades to brown, my blue eyes turn gray, a chill trickles through my spine as i push and push memories of you away; as i try to recreate new to replace the old.
i look around and everything is different. there are different faces and places; there is more traffic and some of the people aren't as nice here. i feel like it didn't happen all at once though, even though so many times i prayed for it too. take it please, God, reach into my heart and steal this feeling. but i feel like God thought that would've been too easy for me. he wanted me to fight this. i almost think he knew i wanted to beat it myself, in my own time, in my own way. i've always heard he gives the strongest battles to those who can handle them. God allowed me to fight so it was obvious i needed to lose everything i thought i needed to fight for.
time closes doors. time turns flames to embers.
if i try to put it into words, i feel like it congests and overcrowds what i'm trying to say. being healed. words don't do the feeling justice. but i do think one day it hits you. just like that. thoughts are continued without interruptions of their thoughts. you laugh and it wasn't because of something they said. you can go to that old ice cream shop, the one with the revolving doors, and order a single chocolate cone, pay for it and leave without a second thought. days melted into years when the tears fell effortlessly until the storm ran out of rain. and as much as you hate time, time will save your life.
as for me, i never asked for it to be over. but then again i never asked for it to begin. that's the risk with life, the worst days come when you least need them too and some of the most beautiful days come completely by chance. but even the most beautiful days eventually have their sunsets. and the wounds from the worst days will eventually heal.
...
you will heal and it will be beautiful.
xo,
-A
**this one is for one of my best friends who inspired this post & whose story should be shared.
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