Friday, January 25, 2013

i think it all comes back in flashes..

...and timestamps. memories, imprints and a nostalgia of persistant faces reminding you of what you did. i don't know, it's like it takes over the present and daunts the future with anxiety. it's like you're afraid of recreating the failures and repeating the mistakes and walking in the same shoes again.

it's like you're afraid that taking this chance is going to end like it before. when you're standing at a dead end and can only go right or left; when you're left to figure out what is right. and you're scared of taking the wrong road. but how do we know when it is right, though? do we every really know? we search for this unsearchable security that doesn't exist.

i've had the feeling of security before, in good measure. and it stuck with me for years. but i think that's what scares me more than anything. how could it be that something i believed was so right was really so wrong? how did i miss the signs that were so obvious to everyone else's shifting eyes but were so blind to my own? and the craziest thing is that you don't see it until you're out the equation; until you're the outsider in your own life. when you take yourself out of your own mind and view it with an emotion-free heart, the reasons why it was so wrong come to life. suddenly they're standing right in front of you asking why you never saw them before. and you literally have no answer.

and then it just clicks. the pieces of the puzzle finally fit and you realize it was like all your failures and bad judgments were just haunting you in the back of your mind as ghosts waiting for you to bring them to life again; waiting for you to revive them. they had rooted themselves and it made it harder for you to shake. you had built walls that were nothing but glass and everyone saw through it. everyone watched and waited for your next move. but they never had control over you, you just believed they did. and that was enough life for them to take advantage.

i think when it comes back in flashes now, you can face the demons. i think enough time has passed when your mind doesn't automatically shift to who's judging you on these mistakes anymore. experience is one hell of a teacher and my goodness, you learn. there is no love that is the same. the way you loved before doesn't dictate the way you'll love next and i know sometimes it feels like there won't be a next. but you also never thought you could face these dark secrets. but that's what life does. life surprises you just when you think you've got it put together. you're fighting for a greater purpose that hasn't been revealed to you yet.

you have to be careful not to view life in snapshots, but instead, as a movie. because the single moments in time do not dictate who you are as a person.

but don't you know who you are? you are more than the choices that you've made. you are more than the sum of your past mistakes. you are more than the problems you've created. you've been remade.

they say history repeats itself. but i think they're just full of it.


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