i sat there and i used to stare at those six words and sometimes my mind drew a blank. it's like i couldn't wrap my mind around the concept of not being wherever i am, you know? the only concept i'd compare it to is that i would wake up in the same bed each day. i would brush my teeth in the same bathroom. i would drive the same road to work every day; so many times even i feel like i could do it if i were blind. i would come home and decompress, drift into my mind and let my thoughts unravel the same way. i would close my eyes and fall into my dreams. so when i sat there, i'd think what do you mean wherever i am, i need to be there? i am there, right?
but i think i was wrong. sometimes i looked at the sentence and it would hit me. like a transfer truck speeding 95 miles per hour with lodged brakes and no sign of stopping. this is just not a body, you see. i am a soul. i have feelings and needs and thoughts - some i share, some i wouldn't even whisper to the devil. i'm not living life, am i? i'm not being appreciative. i'm not breathing it all in. i'm cheating myself, you know? and it's embarassing to say and embarassing to admit that i wasn't living in today. and when it was all said it done, it was just me and the skeletons hidden in the closet.
while i was living in what i confused with the present, i was already gone. i was already moved on and i think the happiness and the person i'd always wanted to be was waiting on me to find it and to stop holding on. i made some mistakes that i'd knew i'd make and hurt some hearts that hurt mine. but what i'm trying to say i think you can enter each day as a blank stare; as an emotionless body just fading from day to day because your heart and your mind are living in another time. have you ever recalled a memory while driving? your thoughts take over your mind and the next thing you know, you're 35 miles down the road and can't recollect how you even knew what lefts and rights to take. don't live like that. and i know it's hard to love where you're at when you want to be somewhere else. but the truth is you probably don't even want to be there. you're confusing happiness with comfort.
the unknown is probably the most scariest thing. there's no guarantee. you were hanging on to what was known as a guarantee, because it was safe. but i don't think it should be that way. nothing about life should be that way. so, that's what those six are trying to tell you. that's what im trying to tell you. view it all in color, capture the moment and remember it. laugh! kiss a boy you've been dreaming about, drink one more drink, live in the present. such a small saying but with endless power. and with great power comes great responsiblity. the responsibility is yours. this is such a beautiful life and these are moments you'll never get back. and these moments are what build your life.
wherever you are; whether it's a big city or a small town or Mars or a school building or a bedroom or hotel or the moon or a meadow at sunset or your very own heart; wherever you are, be all there.
it will set you free.
xo
-A
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