Friday, February 22, 2013

i already know the one.

his eyes will sparkle when he smiles and when they meet mine. he will snore while lying on his back when we sleep and i will hate it. i will hate it so much, i will shove him ever so slightly until he cuddles me so we lay side by side. he won’t snore when he lays on his side; his nose caressed by my hair. i think he will be an early riser. he will want to get up with the sun and nuzzle me to do the same even though he will know i’m not a morning person. he will cling and clang pots and pans in the kitchen trying to make bananas pancakes with a scoop of peanut butter on each. he will be so loud with those pots and pans, i will throw my pillow at the bedroom door out of frustration, but smile because he’s just trying to be sweet. i think he will be rough around the edges; he will carry a scruffy beard with an unkempt bedhead in the mornings. i will love how his hair stands up on edge pointing a million different ways after laying beside me all night. he will hide behind the spaghetti aisle and jump in front of me at the grocery store. i will scream so loudly, the manager will ask us to leave and we will, hand in hand, laughing. he will ride the grocery cart to the car, yelling at me to catch up. he will crank the radio up to 32 and scream at the top of his lungs the lyrics to my favorite taylor swift song as the wind from the open sunroof carries his voice as it flaps my hair in the summer sun. he won’t care that the grumpy seventy-five year old man beside us at the stoplight is shaking his head in disbelief that young people could be so foolish. he won’t care because he is making me laugh. his favorite thing to do will be to make me laugh. he will come home with a bottle of wine and a daisy he picked on the side of the road and he will understand that i’m not the type of girl that needs a dozen red roses to know she’s loved. he will tell me i look beautiful when i’m not beautiful. he will tell me when im stuck in bed, wash rag on head, fever exploding, red flushed cheeks, whining about how i don’t feel good. he won’t make me chicken noodle soup because he will know i hate chicken noodle soup. he will bring me tomato soup instead; no crackers and a vitamin water – the red kind. he will remember everything about me; not because i made him, but because he wants to. he will occasionally snort when he laughs and at first i’ll be embarrassed by that, but will soon get over it because who is perfect? no one. he will make an effort to get to know the people close to me. he will like hanging out with my best friend and advise her on what boy toy that’s in her life and her next steps to take with him. he will tell her when she’s being too much with a guy and exclaim to just love someone the way i did with him because the way i did with him was perfect. he will say he was hooked and couldn’t let go. however this will make sense in his mind only. he will love my friends solely for the reason that i love them. he will love anything i love. he will go running with me down park road. his pace will be slightly faster than mine. he will chuckle at me taking a breather at a stoplight a few blocks behind him and joke he could run in circles around me. he'll throw his hand towards the sky for an air high five when i finally catch up. the breeze will tossle my ponytail and take my breath as i realize how much i love his guy too. he will love the fact that i wear red lipstick. he'll say that i look like a punk rock princess. i won't really think that sounds like a compliment, even though my heart knows he'd never mean it anything less. he will give me time to miss him. he won't make me his whole life because he won't be mine. he will understand i will want him to have other things he loves besides me, but he will make me his only girl. he will give me my space and girl time and will never let a time go by where he doesn't kiss me goodbye when we do venture and explore other things we love. time or distance apart will never falter what we have.
the greatest thing he will do will never make me doubt his love and i will trust him unlike i’ve ever trusted anyone else before. i will love and trust him because he will give me no reason to do otherwise.
and it will be beautiful.


follow me on twitter: @agcrute

Thursday, February 21, 2013

he's a storm i got lost in.

if we were rain, i would be a light mist and he would be a steady hurricane. he is a car speeding the wrong way down a one way leaving me no way to stop him before we lose it all. he is a game of checkers; only being backed into the corner surrounded by black buttons. we are a word search. lost in the kaleidoscope of letters and mixed signals, except none line up to make any sense. he is like free falling without a plan to land, breaking the speed of sound that echoes the warnings in my mind. he is a tornado and i am a tree, snapping in half at his power and strength. he spins me out of control and i’m lost in the moment. he makes me feel wanted and yet not needed at the same time with his blissful arrogance; a tragedy better recognized as my clarity. he’s that moment we laid in bed, the only light in the room from his alarm clock in the corner. 3:32am lit up the wall in red when he confessed he was broken and that i couldn’t change it. i should've taken that as a precaution. he’s an exhausted promise and an unfulfilled commitment. he’s a color by number when you’re colorblind, a confusion when you try to put it all together. as much as i have tried, i can’t color him to be what i need us to be. yet trying to forget him is like trying to forget your way home. he’s a drive i’ve made endless times always resulting in my losing my gravity. it’s insanity. we do the same thing expecting different results and every time i’m still left standing in the perfect storm, empty handed and empty hearted. he is my little black dress. the one i wore the night we met a year ago; plain, simple, and my go-to when i need to guarantee something i know will feel good for the night. he’s that clear evening in june we shared over the summer. i can still feel the way he held me as we spun in the night sky at a concert song that neither of us knew the words to. the dance promised more than he could ever deliver. the moon was our spotlight and the sky was flawless until the storm set in. we were flawless until the storm set in. it was easy to get lost in him and i think that’s when i started drowning in his waves. we were something i put everything into thinking he’d do the same back. but he’s just a 2am text; a blurred memory. he’s a line that isn’t defined and shifts and staggers at his discretion only. he’s a game and one i’m tired of playing.  don’t fall in too deep with the storm. don’t fall in love with the maybe and the supposed to.

they never love you back.


follow me on twitter: @agcrute

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

an overlooked reason to break up.

i read something the other day. it was one of those things that really sticks with you harder than stepping in gum on the sidewalk and trying unsuccessfully to shake your foot from the gooey mess. i couldn’t pull my thoughts away from how often this must happen every day; how heart wrenching the truth of this matter must be; how often these thoughts circle in the minds of the guilty.

how many people in this world are with the person they want to be with? i mean one hundred percent, head, feet, eyeballs, wrists, hair, and every beat of their heart into it.  i don’t mean hey yeah he’s cool and all so i’ll date him but really i miss this other dude and if he texted me right now, bye bye new boyfriend.  i read somewhere that an astounding percentage of 34. 34 percentage of our society would pick their own partner out of any other human in the world. {except from ryan gosling or whatever victoria secret model guys are obsessed with these days.}  meaning 66 percent of people you see casually strolling the parks and sidewalks, fingers linked, laughing at the pigeon that just flew into a nearby window, maybe love that person whose hand they’re holding, but wish they were someone different. maybe someone from a different part in their life. whether that be 6 months ago or 6 years ago. a flame that has yet to burn out. this percentage could be totally fake or a complete bs made up number from wherever i read this, and to some extent i reeeeeeeally hope it is a false accusation. that literally breaks my heart, but it doesn’t mean i haven’t been guilty of committing this heart crime before either.

i guess i mentally broke it down into segments. i finely chopped this into pieces and tried to step into both shoes of this.  what if i were with someone and the whole time while i’m thinking we were chasing the butterflies, rainbow ponies, and white tulips of love, he was missing (and loving from a distance) another girl. kenny chesney whyyyyyyy did you release somewhere with you? dude that song is the epitome of what i’m typing. a guy can go out and meet a girl, any girl, and she seems interesting and she’s fun and charming and he’s actually laughing at her jokes. she teases as she sips her vodka cranberry out of that tiny black straw. the two go home together, but the next morning he’s reminded she was only a temporary relief and the memory of whoever still consumes his heart comes flood back into his thoughts. one step forward, eighty two steps back. but he continues the pattern anyway due to loneliness. it happens every day, y'all.

the part in the notebook where the lady that ryan gosling does his thing with, the one who has the super whiney voice says it best. “it’s like when you look at me, you don’t even see me...look, a woman knows when a man looks into her eyes and sees someone else.” STAB. BURN. SLASH. seriously just cut my heart out of my chest, stomp on it a few times with your dirty shoe, pick it up, go to the top floor of the empire state building, and chunk it off the side so it will splat on the ground. that would hurt less than finding out my eyes were viewed as someone else’s when we locked them together as i lay in a yellow flower super ugly robe {or whatever the hell she was wearing.}

and then i looked at it from the other perspective. what if i were with someone, but my thoughts always automatically bled to someone from the past. when they knocked on my door, i wished i’d open it up to another face. when they sent a sweet text message, i wished the name on the top of my iPhone screen was different. when i wished there would come a day a past memory wouldn’t stand in the way of my heart and this new person.  and then that thought of me actually doing this like depressed the shit out of me, so i can’t even really elaborate without wanting to break up with my imaginary boyfriend i’ve created solely for this activity. blog fail.

what i’m trying to say is i get it. actually i have done it years and years ago and my conscience couldn’t stand it and i vowed never to again. i feel like the first step of breaking up with someone is entertaining the idea. when you stop and you’re like “shit. i don’t like my boyfriend.” – that’s a preeeetty good indication you shouldn’t be with the kid. but wait, i'm comfortable? you're with him because your bored and because it's safe. nothing about love should be safe. love should thrill your every nerve. you know when your heart is ready to love and when you can look at others and not want to see someone else. it may take some time and that’s okay. i genuinely think you’ll know when your heart is free. speaking from experience here, there will be no music or whistles or chimes or alarms, but i can guarantee, you’ll know when it's weighless. and you'll just smile and hold onto that freedom. the feeling is nothing short of unforgettable. and if you have not gotten there yet, break it off with these maybe’s and sorta’s and ehh i don’t know if you’re it or not’s.

i will preach until i’m blue in the face that no woman should be someone else’s part-time or sometime or down-time or spare time. so why don’t you do the same for this guy and not waste any more his time.

but more importantly, your time.


follow me on twitter: @agcrute

Friday, February 8, 2013

how it all changes.

change surrounds us. you drive down the road, swerving in and out of lanes, running yellow lights never passing the same car twice. you walk the city streets overflowing with people and their winter jackets and glazed stares and problems and it's very rare to see the same person again. you go to your favorite restuarant and the waitress who could've sworn was just 2 months pregnant three weeks ago now looks like shes ready to pop before she brings your grilled cheese, tomato soup, and diet coke with a spritz of lime order back to the table. the guy you loved in high school is now married with a second kid on the way and you chuckle at dodging that bullet. actually you sit there for a minute in your own thoughts thinking how different your life would've been if you were the one to have said yes. you say a quick gratitude prayer to the big man above for that one. a-freakin-men. your dad's gray hair has been more noticeable lately, but Lord forbid you say a word about that. your little brother is turning twenty two next year and you can still remember his fifth grade graduation and his gap toothed smile like it was yesterday. your little sister's hair is now growing back in beautifully. the cancer really hit hard the past three years; the whole time you wished it was you instead. the nights your overheard your mom cry herself to sleep have now dulled into the distance as the reality set in, including the successful treatment sessions. fallen, sad tears turned into relieved, happy ones as the doctor whispered the words "cancer-free" in that cold, heartless office about three months ago. your best friend isn't your best friend anymore. the last you heard, she moved off to chicago with her boyfriend of six months and got some fancy job in the city; the kind of job you have to carry a pompous attitude in order to live up to the expectation. she only thrives by the city lights at night; that's the only sparkle you see in her eyes anymore - or so you've heard. you know fewer people in your new town, but genuinely like them. when they leave the room, you know they don't exchange glances and mentally insult your outfit, even if it's polka-dotted pajama pants and a taylor swift t-shirt. you don't entertain people who are mentally bad for your health. actually you saw one of them about three weeks ago in target and as bad as it was to ignore their existance, it was easier to do that than to front a fake smile. memories of laying by the pool sipping margaritas while chewing over what boy toy you were playing at that time came flooding back to the forefront of your mind and you smile. fifteen percent at the memory; eighty five percent that you no longer have that toxic friend anymore. the memory darkens to the day she revealed who she really was and your friendship crumbled on top of its own foundation. you have no idea how the guy that broke your heart is doing. you have no urge to find out. your metabolism isn't quite what it used to be and you can't eat seventeen mini-snickers bars in one setting. now seventeen of those mini-snickers bars equal about seven miles on the treadmill and then some. and sorry but no chocolate is worth that torture. people you pinky promised to be in your one day wedding you no longer talk to. nothing really dramatic happened; you just grew apart. it's like all these moments are on a shifting, sliding scale. i guess life just happens.

without change, life would be boring. if you could always call the moments, you would lose the magic. change is always around us. you'll live through the days and not notice a single thing that changes, but you'll wake up one day and it's all different. different faces and a new look outside your bedroom window. familiarity is gone. familiarity can be dull; lifeless. i will say though, change can be painful. but change can also be beautiful. but in most ways - change is both. 


follow me on twitter: @agcrute

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend.

when you don’t like someone, {aka: you’d shove them in front of a bus. aka: you wouldn’t pee on them if they were on fire.} you have a tendency to elaborate on things you've heard they have done in order to make them look like the lowest face in society. okay maybe that was a little dramatic, but i was asked to blog on the topic of your boyfriend’s crazy ex-girlfriend.

i know you don’t like her and i know you’ve probably facebook stalked whatever pictures they have left together from a year ago at her cousin’s house and i know you’ve probably compared yourself and thought “she’s only kinda pretty. she’s not that pretty right? hey, kristin come over here and look at her! i’m prettier than her right? her nose. girllllllll, your nose. doesn’t her eye have a kinda weird squinty thing? HAHA squinty. that’s what we will call her. and what’s up with that braid in her hair? what are you, five? she has blonde hair. blondes are psycho. i’ve heard how crazy she was. crazy bitch, I DARE YOU TO CONTACT HIM NOW."

i’ve met some guys who have dated some bat shit cray girls who need to be admitted into a mental institute. there are ex-girlfriends that still sleep in his old t-shirt, & those that call your boyfriend crying and begging him back. they taunt him with the comfort they both once shared and show up at the bars he’s at in this sexy little dress trying to show off. they text him “you look good tonight” from across the room and walk up to him demanding an explanation when he doesn’t respond. they buy him a birthday present and ship themselves to his house in a cake.……. and they’ve been apart for 4 years. i could go on and on and on. either run or punch her in the face and move on with your day. those are your two options for that.

but back to your boyfriend’s ex -  you don’t know anything about this girl nor really anything substantial about her and your boyfriends old relationship. but you have heard crazy stories of her and how she was holding onto his phone before, cried in his room one time because he wasn’t paying attention to her and confronted this drunk girl who grabbed and kissed him on the bar two years ago. you’ve heard that his friends totally hated her when they were together and never wanted her around and his family knew she’d never last. all she did was bring drama to the table. uhhh, freak!  she’s like not even that pretty anyway. you and all your friends agree.

what’s funny is how stories get twisted, exaggerated, and blown out of proportion. maybe by him, maybe by another girl who doesn’t like her for whatever reason, or maybe for no reason at all. people have this need to compose these over the top stories in order to be entertaining. you know, the time she had his phone was really her just calling his mom to say hi. the time she cried in his room had nothing to do with him not giving her attention. maybe she had just had a bad day at work, was pissed at her boss and drank one too many martinis. and the time she confronted the girl that kissed him was because well.. um, duh?! what girl wouldn’t yell at another girl who kissed their man. that’s not crazy. you’re crazy if you don’t. and the rumor about people hating her? that’s kinda contradictory because they still catch up with her every now and then and hope to see her doing well.

i guess what i'm saying is don't take everything you hear at face value. especially if you weren't around to experience what happened yourself. and of course you weren't there. they were dating then - awkward.

mainly what I’m saying is (shocker!) not every guy has a crazy ex-girlfriend. some guy’s ex-girlfriends are pretty cool and genuinely wish your boyfriend the best, found the good in goodbye, and have no intention of messing up what you two have. as crazy as it sounds, some ex-girlfriends move on with their life! what?! you mean to tell me she’s not trying to sabotage us? i’m pretty sure those ex-girlfriends don’t exist, right?

i think that some ex-girlfriends just have to handle what people say because it’s inevitable. people always talk and make up rumors especially for the sake of boredom, if in fact she isn’t a lunatic. but she’s human too and has probably made mistakes before. she’s probably acted out of line because we’re not perfect. think of the times you’ve embarrassed yourself too. okaaaay then. and i'm not sticking up for your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. i'm just saying she's something you shouldn't be concerning yourself with or worried about unless she's at your doorstep with a machete. just remember, to believe hardly none of what you hear and only half of what you see.

so before you judge her, consider this thought: people tend to date a similar type. you see a trend in characteristics that people are attracted to time and time again. so before you go deem her “crazy” to all your friends, take a step back. he’s dating you. he saw something in you that he finds worthy of committing to. things he’s seen worthy in other girls before you. characteristics that both of you probably possess. you two probably would be friends outside of these harsh society walls. so when you define her, you’re really defining yourself.

hmmm.. now that’s what’s crazy.


follow me on twitter: @agcrute

Monday, February 4, 2013

already gone.

mama always told me that i needed to be careful; be weary of my surroundings and keep my heart protected. she also knew that wasn’t going to work with me. i was too curious with life. she knew i needed to get out there, make some mistakes, break a few hearts, and have my own broken a few times. she knew i wasn’t meant for that small town and the secrets that came with it. my eyes were too bright and my dreams were too big to stay locked in the shadows of that place. she knew i had to go. she knew i was already gone.

i was the type of girl that when i loved, i love with every bit of me. you never had to question what my intentions were because they were so in your face; you knew if i was into you or not. i never just entertain someone just for the sake of it and when i met him it was no different. he definitely wasn’t time wasted for the very short amount of time he was there. he was different and i was in no place to love though and knew it. i was okay with it. i knew my heart wasn’t ready at 20 and some change years old, but i just couldn’t look away from his eyes for those short months i saw them. they intrigued my own and made me forget about every other guy in the room. he basically made me forget any other guy at all. his touch was uncharted. his laugh was addicting and it was like i was screaming at myself to not get lost in the magic of it all, but all attempts failed. all of my friends told me not to drown my heart in him because he was exactly what i didn’t need. and I knew that too, but i almost think it made me want him more. i knew what i was setting myself up for, but walking away wasn’t an option. he lit up the sky like the fourth of july and all i could do was hold on to the way he made me feel when he smiled. you try convincing a heart that was in too deep the moment he said hello. i was already gone.

he was the first taste of desire i’d had in a long time. and as much as i didn’t want it to be over, we both knew it would never work. i don’t regret it though. he taught me about myself and that made it worthwhile. he was just headed in one direction and my life was going the complete opposite. we were a tug of war and neither one of us was giving up the fight. it wasn’t some drawn out dramatic saga between us two and thank God it wasn’t. i gave him back that blanket of his that i loved and he handed me my copy of the movie we always watched together. he smiled down at me with those eyes and we agreed to half the faults of what we couldn’t change. he hugged me for the last time followed by his face in my rearview mirror. dust flew from under my wheels as he stood there alone when he threw his hand up and nodded goodbye.

but I was already gone. my whole life i’ve always been already gone. you just have to know which hands to shake, and which hands to hold.


follow me on twitter: @agcrute

inspired by sugarland.