Monday, February 4, 2013

already gone.

mama always told me that i needed to be careful; be weary of my surroundings and keep my heart protected. she also knew that wasn’t going to work with me. i was too curious with life. she knew i needed to get out there, make some mistakes, break a few hearts, and have my own broken a few times. she knew i wasn’t meant for that small town and the secrets that came with it. my eyes were too bright and my dreams were too big to stay locked in the shadows of that place. she knew i had to go. she knew i was already gone.

i was the type of girl that when i loved, i love with every bit of me. you never had to question what my intentions were because they were so in your face; you knew if i was into you or not. i never just entertain someone just for the sake of it and when i met him it was no different. he definitely wasn’t time wasted for the very short amount of time he was there. he was different and i was in no place to love though and knew it. i was okay with it. i knew my heart wasn’t ready at 20 and some change years old, but i just couldn’t look away from his eyes for those short months i saw them. they intrigued my own and made me forget about every other guy in the room. he basically made me forget any other guy at all. his touch was uncharted. his laugh was addicting and it was like i was screaming at myself to not get lost in the magic of it all, but all attempts failed. all of my friends told me not to drown my heart in him because he was exactly what i didn’t need. and I knew that too, but i almost think it made me want him more. i knew what i was setting myself up for, but walking away wasn’t an option. he lit up the sky like the fourth of july and all i could do was hold on to the way he made me feel when he smiled. you try convincing a heart that was in too deep the moment he said hello. i was already gone.

he was the first taste of desire i’d had in a long time. and as much as i didn’t want it to be over, we both knew it would never work. i don’t regret it though. he taught me about myself and that made it worthwhile. he was just headed in one direction and my life was going the complete opposite. we were a tug of war and neither one of us was giving up the fight. it wasn’t some drawn out dramatic saga between us two and thank God it wasn’t. i gave him back that blanket of his that i loved and he handed me my copy of the movie we always watched together. he smiled down at me with those eyes and we agreed to half the faults of what we couldn’t change. he hugged me for the last time followed by his face in my rearview mirror. dust flew from under my wheels as he stood there alone when he threw his hand up and nodded goodbye.

but I was already gone. my whole life i’ve always been already gone. you just have to know which hands to shake, and which hands to hold.


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inspired by sugarland.