Thursday, March 28, 2013

on being naked.

he's interested in you. he makes you feel shy - which is really strange because you're not a shy person at all. your cheeks flush and your heartbeat races and it confuses you because you usually have it together around men. usually they're the one with shaky hands and an unsteady stance because you're giving them a overwhelming rush. before you run into him, you fluff your hair and tousle your bangs so it doesn't look like you're trying too hard. you slip on some rose-tinted chapstick from anthropologie for no other reason than the way your lips look when it glosses it over. you coyly play with eye contact when he's around - not giving him too much to ogle over, but just enough so he knows you're into it and he is too.

...or so you like to think.

he makes it a point to always call you when it's convenient for him and it's usually convenient for him around friday nights around 1:30am. this is hard for you because you don't wanna be that girl. your friends have asked you why you still play along and why you have played along for months and you proceed to tell them they just don't understand. he gives you something you don't get from other guys. he gives you a chase and for you, that's fun. it keeps you entertained. it keeps you right there on the edge of his cliff; the wind blowing your hair as you teeter on the edge and looking down, there is nowhere to land. you lean further towards the edge as you lose your footing to fall, but his no response to your hey wanna grab dinner tonight? text is right there to pull you back to safety. girl, don't lose your heart just yet.

but repeating to yourself not to lose yourself into him is a hopeless battle because you know he has you. you shake your head at the thought because this is ridiculous. you're never the girl to give a guy the one thing he doesn't deserve until he's gotten to know you with your clothes on. he's supposed to know your birthday before he knows your bra size. he's supposed to know your favorite color before he can figure it out because it's reflected on all your lingerie. he's supposed to know your heart before he knows you naked.

but let's face reality here, ladies. no one does that anymore, right? i mean if you won't give him what he wants, he will go find someone who will, right? and i guess when it comes down to it, that's his choice. you can't stop what doesn't want to be stopped. it's like trying to halt a hurricane. it's like standing on the ocean shoreline and trying to stop a tsunami wave with just the palm of your hand. it's like trying to change your mind when you've already free falling off his cliff.

near impossible.

but i still hold hope. i don't know if i'm crazy for that or not. you tell me? throughout all the misconceptions and rude statistics against it, i still think a woman should be treated better than that shit and worthy of something more that a physical satisfaction even as satisfying physical moments can be. but, that doesn't mean a guy gets to sleep in your bed after the second date. no, he doesn't get to come over only when he's drunk. a women should be left wanting more. ladies, you should leave him wanting more. if you really stop and think about it, anyone can take their clothes off and have sex. it's an easy act to follow through with. but to really stop and open up yourself to someone first; to share your likes and your dislikes; to tell your own story of why you are the way you are; to expose your insecurities and faults; to extend to someone things about you that you don't even love yourself; to trust and to let someone into your heart when you haven't let anyone else...

i think that's truly being naked.


follow me on twitter: @agcrute

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

things you should know.

you really shouldn’t pair bold, chunky necklaces with long, dangly earrings – especially if the necklace carries any stream of gold and the earrings are silver. actually, i’ve always known this, but i just wanted to retype it for you girls who still think rocking that look isn’t accessory overload. or clash central. or tacky tuesday. or reallllllly ugly in general. stop doing it.

you should call your parents. you should talk with them and i don’t mean a monotone hey. yeah. work was good today. yeah she’s good. i don’t know what i’ll eat tonight. i’m not sure when i’m coming home next. yeah. mmhmm. okay. well look i gotta go because dancing with the stars is about to be on and i wanna see sean. yeah mmkay. love ya too. bye. why did you even pick up the phone? and i know that there are times you want to go out and party and sleep until noon and don’t have time to talk because you and meredith are walking into the movie theatre. i know you lead a busy life. but call them. they love you. in your parents eyes, you are more valuable than gold. you are their creation and how would you feel if you gave something life, held their head when they couldn’t do it themselves, and provided it with every bit pieces of love in your heart and it gave you a 2 minute, 45 second hi bye whatever part of their day. let them love on you and show you off and damn it, let them into your life. share your successes and failures with them. let them love you through it. you don’t know which day in this world will be their last.

forgive those who did you wrong and wish them the best. forgiveness will set you free.

don’t let a disagreement ruin a great friendship. everyone has opinions and thoughts and beliefs they feel just as strongly about; as you do yours. i cannot stand when a person is making a point and they put down or fail to recognize the power behind someone else’s thoughts. that person is not wrong. unless they are trying to tell you that 2+2=5. if that is the case, then slap yourself for even being friends with a complete bimbo and move on with your day. my point is that just as much as you may disagree with what they believe, they think the same about you. they may think your point is dumb and hell, it could be! but it’s still your point and you still have every right to believe in that. take a breather, walk away, scroll through your phone and laugh at the memories that have kept you together after all these years. focus on what keeps you together; not what tries to drive you apart. {if someone just came to mind, go tell them you love them.}
pray. there is so much power and tranquility in prayer.

remember that you cannot control how people treat you. you cannot control the rumors they say, the words they make up, the looks they throw, the rolling eyes or the spreading of lies. if you let them, they can take every bit of who you are and what you stand for away from you - {important phrase next} if you let them. but the one thing people can't take away from you is how you choose to respond. that will make all of the difference.
believe in love at first sight. believe in the feeling. believe in the thrill. believe that at any given second, life can change. believe in the unknown. wear the cross around your neck, or hang it from your car mirror. bless your food. bless your friends. believe in your faith and never give up on that.

oh, and marry someone you can talk to. i mean carry on 4am conversations with. looks will fade, hearts will not.

when you say “i love you,” – mean it. don’t throw the phrase around like it’s not worthy of the beautiful meaning behind it. people have already banished and tortured this phrase into getting something other than the wholesomeness behind it. actually, when you play with this word, not only are you playing someone’s heartstrings, but you’re playing with fire. how would you feel if you were given sweet nothings – you’d feel burned. if you don’t know the true meaning behind this phrase and the emotional commitment you are making to another, you are in no position to ever let it slip your lips.

your life isn't over because a guy broke up with you. your life really just began. and if a guy ever blows you off for absolutely no reason, never give him a second chance. everyone deserves a second chance doesn't apply to this douchebag. sorry dude! go invest your time in someone who knows your worth from day one.

when you lose, never lose the lesson. if you’re psycho and you drive someone away, don’t ever be psycho again. if you cuss someone out and they punch in you in the face and break your nose, don’t ever cuss them out again. your nose thanks you too. if you wear 6 inch heels and you fall down at the club and expose everything that you shouldn’t, don’t wear those shoes again. when you spread a rumor and it’s not true, know your story before running your mouth.

don’t take more shots of tequila than you can handle. and don’t wear too short of skirts. don’t wear major push-up bras in tight dresses and post your ta-tas all over facebook. stop making the duck face. quack quack biotch, quack quack. not cute. put your tongue back in your mouth and put down your middle finger and just smile. smile in your pictures. that’s what the world wants to see.

when you do something you should have not, don’t dance around with your pride. don’t push the situation away in hopes of it just getting better. trust me, that doesn’t work. a million apologies may not automatically fix things, but it will do it a lot faster than a million ignores. i’ll say it again- pride doesn’t not overpower love.

write on your bathroom mirror and read it every day that sometimes not getting what you want most is a complete stroke luck and a disguised blessing. sometimes not getting what you think you deserve most will be the best thing to ever happen to you.
come across like you have it all together, but really... have none of it figured out.

that is the beauty of it. trust me.
follow me on twitter: @agcrute

Friday, March 15, 2013

your ex-boyfriend. for real this time.

you spent so much time with this person, didn't you? the crumpled pictures you printed are fading from the years that have passed since they we're last on display. the old teddy bears from those valentine's days are collecting dust in the dark corner of your closet. and when something cool happens to you, your first thought isn't to jump to your phone to type in his number that's imprinted in your mind. your first date, the first kiss, the first time you met his mom, the time you celebrated that anniversary. when he had trouble stuttering out "i love you," your first fight... and your last. all of these memories are like a folded up piece of paper tucked in your back pocket. but time has passed since then, hasn't it? you'd like to think enough time has passed that it's no longer a competition of who is "more happy," because you’re both happy. who has slept with more people than the other since your last because it’s none of either of your damn business. enough time has passed that a simple text showing care when he’s heard hearsay of something happened to your family isn't a reach at all to recreate what was lost. it's for respect.

 i think relationships are one of the most powerful and most harsh teacher. when they’re over, you have to exert time and energy into something different instead of the time and energy you put into them. and you don’t always know how to do that at first. people fall back in love with a memory and mask the reality of the glass of the broken relationship as this traumatic-oh-em-gee-i’m-never-gonna-move-on loss. but i totally get it, though. you loved the dude. the dude walked on water and cooked you breakfast and did your algebra homework and took you to taco bell that one time. nobody else in this world is that sweet, amanda! he was amazing, you say, so holding on to the taco b memory is what gets you dressed in the morning and able to face your day.

i’ve seen this firsthand actually and i’ve experienced it myself. i’ve had a relationship end and then we tried again. and it ended again. i’ve also seen a friend of mine end a relationship and now they’re engaged. i’ve also seen a friend of mine end an engagement. so you can’t apply what worked in their heart to your own.

don’t chase what’s gone.

don’t chase what doesn’t want to be chased.

don’t embarrass love.

don’t run in place or circle your heart around a memory or beg or plead. good Lord please don’t beg or plead. if he wanted you, pride wouldn't stop him. pride doesn't overpower love. i guarantee you if you put as much time and effort into moving on as you have replaying what went wrong, you’d be over by now.

when i posted the "ex boyfriend" post the other day, a lot of you emailed and loved it, but wanted a further blog about the subject - so here ya go. but really i should have just reposted it because i’m saying the same thing here just in waaaaay more words. when it boils down to face value - really, you don’t have time for that. break ups blow big donkey toes. they’re not fun for anyone. and if you don’t take anything else away from what i’m saying, take this: breakups aren’t always meant for makeups. most times, they’re meant for wake ups.

wake up today.


follow me on twitter: @agcrute

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

driving with you.

a cluttered mind and a crossroad. every window down and the speakers blaring whatever song my iPod shuffles. what a moment to be invested in. i do this from time to time and tonight's no different. burning up the pavement, & flying faster than i should be adjacent to the center yellow line. it's something about staring into the eyes of the city when you come to mind and i see you again after all these years. the bright lights shine on your face just like stars in the sky and i'm reminded of the beautiful life i live as my mind drifts to memories of you. it's like all the stories in past years have lined up for this moment and this second. on i-85 in charlotte, north carolina, there you and i were 13 years ago and i'd never been there before. i remember seeing an exit to take onto the i-77 interstate for the columbia/statesville split. to veer into the city of charlotte, we had to curve left and tonight this view hasn't changed since you were the one sitting in the driver's seat way back then. it's still one of my favorite views and it never, ever gets old. and now that i live here, sometimes i will take the long way home just to experience the city light up the sky like it's doing tonight. there are thousands of windows in the glass and steel buildings - all filled with people with sunken eyes and broken halleluiah's wondering when things will turn around. and they all look at me as i'm driving by wishing they could find the freedom and clarity and peace of mind i find when i take it out on the pavement with you as a memory, now in the passenger seat. when you're learning to drive, you find there's a correlation between turning your wheel left and your car goes left; turning the wheel right and your car goes right. and tonight, you remind me of something as simple as this phenomenon i can apply to my own life as i'm the one who determines my own footsteps. although we can't completely guess and gauge every moment of uncertainty that approaches us, but we do have the ability to control how we react. the city lights fade when i head deeper into the heavy trees and dimly lit roads and the bright, coarse moon that hides behind the clouds starts to show its figure and it brightens your face. your wrinkles are more heavy this time and your hair is thinner and more white, but your heart - ever so pure. and we drive on, the headlights leading my way - a path i can't see until i'm only right in front of it as the road ahead dulls to a black mystery of what's to come. you can only see but so far ahead of you to gauge which path you should take very much like the life i live. you can't plan out your days because God will throw you something in your path and the trail you created with such certainty, you'll have to veer off of.

in the moments when i'm driving is when i find this remedy; as the tires touch the tar and my foot presses the pedal and you whisper the plans you still have for me. 

it's where i go when i want to feel you again. you and i spent days in the car traveling to unseen beaches, our favorite burger places and going to get ice cream with rainbow sprinkles. sometimes i get in the car and the hint of your old purfume still lingers, even though no trace of the scent is to be found and i envision there's a tube of red lipstick still in the glove compartment as there always was from the days when i was a child. i'd always watch you apply it in the rearview mirror and smile because you said one day i'd be pretty when i wore it too. grandaddy always yelled at you to pay attention because you were crossing that white line toward the gravel and grass on the back roads and enbankments.

so tonight as i pass through the skyline, i'm carrying you with me again. in these moments of loud music and my wind blown hair, i see you smiling from heaven above reminding me to turn my wheel left and it will always go left.

but mostly to lead my life right, and it will always go right.


follow me on twitter: @agcrute

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

the eye is calm and so was she.

she was sitting on her couch in an apartment that was empty. it was november. the temperature in the living room wasn't far off from that outside and she remembers shivering. not only from the chill in the room, but from not knowing where she stood. the brown suede couch sat comfortably in the corner facing her lifetime movie and her wine glass was creating condensation rings on the coffee table; multiple rings because she never placed it back down in the same place twice out of nerves, fiddling with the skin on her thumb, picking at it like she'd been doing for years when her heart was flustered and unsteady. on the phone was her best guy friend & she was begging for advice because she didn't know how to make it better; and didn't know what to say these days because it seemed it had ended up to be a lose lose. a damned if she did, damned if she didn't situation. he had no clue what to say because guys don't feed off of girl drama; let alone have any amount of decent advice to give when it comes to cat fighting.

she was enraged by the fake rumors. she was enraged by the gossip. she was enraged at what her name was being made out to be when she had lived her whole life doing nothing but trying pursuing the opposite. she was enraged by what was being portrayed to be her character. she was enraged by the comments and the banter and the wildfire lies and the dramatic accusations.

she was on the phone with him and he finally said "you're not letting this get to you. let's talk about something different. what was something cool that happened today?" relieved, her breathing returned to normal and she started talking about what funny thing her coworker did at work until a text message interrupted her story. the name at the top of her iPhone echoed as she didn't know what the text would read. a misfortunate event had startled them in the darkness of the evening. time stopped and so did the story and so did she.

not knowing how serious or how delicate the situation was at hand made things more difficult and not being able to be there made it harder. the vagueness of this story is ironic consider the vagueness of the her feelings towards them in that moment. not knowing whether to go or stay, react or move on. regardless, somewhere between the vague recall she fails to tell me now after all these months that have passed or the vague, blurred memory that sits in her mind of this night, it was that night she knew what she had to do.

rumors flew even worse, but she never said a word. she carried on her day tweeting about random things like the weirdness of going into target and buying tooth paste, a space heater, and mascara or how she dodged a bird driving to work on the twisting road merging towards downtown at 7:45 am and ducked when it flew towards her windshield, laughing how that made no sense because the car protected her from it. she continued with her life without obsessing what was going on around her or behind her or about her. whispers in the corner of bars, looks that could kill and the nothing better to do comments; the storm of emotions and stories, mostly embellished, raged on and circled around her like a hurricane. and she was the eye.

but just as a hurricane carries itself, the eye is calm and so was she. she knew the storm too would pass in good time and it did. sooner, rather than later, her response-less demeanor to drama settled in and she chose to run the other way than to stick around to see who was still there when the clouds cleared. she told me she suggests that if you find yourself in something similar to walk the other way. because when the storm does release and the renewed feeling of a morning reveals itself into you, you don't want to know who stayed and who went so effortlessly.

sometimes there is a better way than to say what's on your mind she says. she told me to tell you that life is more than what happens to you. life is the way you respond to your misfortunes and faulty friends and empty eyes around you. she says by not bothering with those who try to bring you down will only put you higher. she says this because it happened to her. it's been seen multiple times that people tend to believe being a hardass gets your point across; yelling and cussing and shoving and insulting will let you win the war. but most of the time, saying nothing at all says it all much more.

sometimes God calms the storm. but sometimes, He lets the storm rage & calms His child.



follow me on twitter: @agcrute


Saturday, March 2, 2013

on settling.

i'm in a wedding in may of this year. it's a girl i've known since 6th grade and these days a friendship that has lasted going on 13 years is quite the accomplishment. way too often girls are catty and get defense over dumb shit and forget why they've stuck together for so long. but not this friend. taylor and i have stuck together since i had headgear and an awkward way of talking to people and since she had bleach blonde hair and a dorky way of connecting with me.

{taylor; me}

the reason i'm bringing this up is quite funny. about a few months ago, all the bridesmaids and her family threw her and her fiance an engagement party. i live the furthest away in charlotte, north carolina, so showing up slightly fashionably late wasn't a surprise as the drive was 3 hours plus and charlotte traffic is literally second craziest to atlanta. i walked up to the party filled with mason jars, flower arrangements and the cutest sign with an arrow pointing left for parking and an arrow pointing right for the party. i'm from roxboro, north carolina. never heard of it? not surprised. we had one high school and finally got a taco bell like 5 years ago. that town doesn't even have chick fil a! gasp; what horror. the setup was nothing short of country which was only highlighted by the vast fields across the distance at her house and the chilled keg for the attendees, cowboy boots and white tablecloths. it was precious and soooo taylor. after catching up with everyone, i shifted my eyes around the dinner tables seeing every other bridesmaid was there with either a husband or a long-term boyfriend. at first thought, most girls would be all coooooooooool. i'm the only single bridesmaid. but if the thought even existed for a second in my mind, it left as quickly as it had came because everyone's journey is different. and because i didn't have some dude linked beside me, following me around because he knew no one at the party doesn't mean i'm still not the bomb, like tick tick.

kidding, of course because all the boys there were great. winky & shoutout to the men who attended an engagement party with all these lovely ladies!


anyway, taylor's mom made a comment that i laughed at because it's true, but it really set off an emotion in me that i wasn't expecting, in the best way possible. we were all sitting around the cornhole boards laughing with red solo cups filled with beer as the crisp evening air set in and the sun painted an orange canvas for us to enjoy. someone made a casual comment that i was the only single bridesmaid. years ago, this would've embarassed this hell out of me and i would have hidden behind the nearest rosebush because single is sometimes depicted as omg, you poor little ugly child, no one loves you! something has to be wrong with you because you're 24 and not in a relationship. honey, come here, we can hug it out. you're gonna be just fine.

but we all know i think that's bs and i believe in being an independent betch and you all know being single isn't some disease with no cure. girls, being single is exhilarating - the time of your life. you can spend the rest of your years with the best love, not one you have to settle for, knowing you want so much more out of it.

so, taylor's mom is one of the sweetest ladies and in her sweet little voice she looked across the yard and said "amanda, oh my gosh! you are the only single one! i swear back when you graduated high school, we all voted you to be the one to drop out of college to get married." everyone starting laughing but we alllllllllll knew she was serious, including myself.

i used to not be this kinda cool chick i am now who doesn't need a boyfriend. i used to be one of those girls who relied on a guy to make her feel special and thought something was wrong with me if i didn't have one. so it's no surprise that taylor's family, the bridesmaids and three fourths of my graduating class probably thought i'd beat everyone to the alter and start poppin' out kids by age 21.

we all couldn't have been more wrong.

i think no woman should ever sacrifice her dreams, career goals, or ambitions for a guy. i am no where near saying taylor nor the lovely bridesmaids in the picture above are doing that. i say this 1. because they have found that special love thus far in their life. and it's beautiful. and 2. because their other halves are awesome and seem to be supporting of career driven thoughts or traveling the world to explore what life has to offer or staying in watching sappy lifetime movies on pajamas on saturday nights; supportive of whatever makes their woman happy. my point then? i'm telling this story because at some point we all have and i have fallen short to the feeling that i had to hold back, even though i didn't have the independence at the time to pursue dreams i thought would just stay dreams. i didn't have the confidence either, or really even the drive. i was content then, settling. it's a lesson you don't realize the importance of until after you experience it. never  settle with or choose a guy over friends or a dream or a career offer. because those things will never wake up one morning, look at you and tell you they don't love you anymore.

don't be like Lauren. go to paris.


follow me on twitter: @agcrute