okay. who hasn’t been at a bar in college and all the skinny girls and all the cool dudes outside are like, “totally taking a break from the bar scene” to go light one up and puff a few black clouds into their lungs? SO COOL.
okay fine, i’ve been there too. i’ve done that. i’ve done that to fit in because all my friends were doing that and i thought it was the new trend – but as all trends do, they die. maybe i was mind screwed for that time because i had always thought cigarettes and those associated were so trashy. i think i was entertained by this for like all of 2 months and out of the 2 months, maybe participated in this like 4 times. ohhhh the things alcohol and hanging with the wrong people will do to you. however, for this dealbreaker, i’m talking about the hey bro, can i snag a cig because i’m gonna die without it, can’t make it through a dinner date without a smoke break, pause our conversation every 10 minutes, keep me coughing in your car because i can’t breathe, 5 packs a day kind of smoker. your clothes, your hair, your deodorant (in some extreme cases), and even when you open your wallet – smells like smoke. but in reality - sorry, but making out with an ashtray doesn’t seem that attractive and if you do any of the above, neither do you.
2. you have been single for only 3 months.
dude no. if i find out that you’ve just hopped back on the single horse like last week, i’ll send you running faster than your ex did. why? well 1. because of the obvious. no one gets over anyone within 3 months. hell, no one really gets over anyone within 6 months or maybe even a year give or take circumstances. sorry dude i will not be your rebound to make your ex jealous. 2. you’re dealing with the pain of your past relationship and maybe i do have a degree in psychology. i actually loved studying that in school, but i do not have the time to analyze why your ex girlfriend was a bitch. or why she cheated. or why she sucked and hated your friends. or why she wouldn’t let you drink. or why she had a weird obsession with the color purple. i don’t have time to hear about her, kay? go see a shrink. 3. ya know i really like my life and my face. and i don’t feel like having to deal with your ex blabbering cuss words drunk at a bar and trying to take a swing at my right jaw and mentally killing me in my sleep. i don’t really want to be the girl she sees you with next and immediately hates without knowing me at all. get over someone before you get under someone else – that you really see a future with that is. what you do what the in-between is on you and go ‘head do your thing, but sorry charlie, i’m not gonna be that girl.
3. you’re not funny.
- seriously, i think i laugh at myself more than i do anything. i run into walls, i trip in heels, i say corny jokes, i over exaggerate things, and i’m pretty quick when it comes to clever comebacks. i love sarcasm. i’m good in beer pong and you damn well better believe when you’re on the opposing team i’m going to talk so much junk to you, you’re going question the fact that you’re really playing a girl. and then i’ll sink the last cup and remind you that a girl just kicked your butt. sometimes i stump my toe and say words i shouldn’t. sometimes i stutter over my words. sometimes i say inappropriate jokes and things i shouldn’t. and sometimes is say “sometimes” too much – right then was a good example. sorry ya’ll this is the wine talking. {winky.}sometimes i drink too much and make a fool of myself, but dammit if you’re the one for me, you’re going to laugh at it and compliment it and we will talk about it the next morning. you won’t be embarrassed. you’ll try to top it! if you can’t hang, you can’t be with me.
4. you don’t like spontaneity.
- i am such a planner. i plan my day out at work organizing every little details but when it comes to my personal life and i have no plans day of – you better know i’ll be up for anything. friends of mine know this about me and i will be dead freakin’ tired; planning my nap after work and they can text me at 4:45pm and say “after work drinks at blackfinn charlotte?” – boom i’m there. i feel like i am the most #yolo person and yes i know #yolo is no longer cool to say, but whatever. the acronym is super lame but the concept is amazing. you are only young once and i hate the term “sleep when you die” because um no, you don’t sleep when you die – you’re dead dumbass. but you can sleep less hours and still survive the next day. go zip lining and skydiving and scuba diving with scuba steve or anything your heart desires. you only get 10 years in your twenties y’all. do it all.
5. you don’t like my family or friends.
- self explanatory. they’re my life. get with them or get lost.
6. your dad & mom aren’t cool.
- okay this one i can bend with. i guess you realllllllllllly can’t help if they suck and if i like you – i’ll try to look past it but i’ve been super close with the dad and mom of pretty much everyone i’ve dated. and i have to love yours too. family is number one. family doesn’t change. remember that.
- oh geez. everyone thinks i’m a super huge bitch for this one. i don’t know, maybe it’s a thing of masculinity for me? i’m 5’8”. and these lil girls that are all 5’2” don’t understand why i just haveeeeeee to have someone over 6 foot. omg like 6 foot is just like so tall. why are you so picky?! ... so let me put in perspective for all you little short shrimps out there (no offense, y’all are princesses too) but really – i’m 5’8”. i like someone who is, say 6’2” or taller. now to you, that’s a freakin’ giant. but let’s do some math. how many inches different is that? 6 inches. let’s add 6 inches to your 5’2” frame. bam – 5’8”. my height. is that right? i don’t know; i suck at math and the wine isn’t helping. but see my point? it’s the same difference and considering most of your boyfriend’s are just as tall or slightly taller (otherwise they couldn’t easily kiss your short self) than i am. boom goes the dynamite. trust me – i don’t hate on short people. kinda envy you guys, but if you were my height (or at least think like i do) you would too.
8. {insert any other weird kinda deal breaker like being psycho, crazy, clingy, not giving me space, coming on too strong, being lame, being boring, being socially awkward because i’m way too social for that, not liking cats, not liking dogs, not liking food, not understanding and enhancing my weirdness, not liking cereal, not – anything else i come up with between now and when i find the one.}
ps, if you don’t like wine, it’s probably not gonna work out either considering wine wrote this blog. cheers to friday!
xo,
-A
follow me on twitter: @agcrute
