Wednesday, April 17, 2013


i think we all love the chase – that over-excited feeling you get when your phone lights up and his name is on the screen. he’s unpredictable and you’re not committed; sometimes you can guess his next move and the next you wonder since he isn’t talking to you, who else is he talking to? the things he says to you, could he copy and paste to someone else with the same intent? you fumble with the idea, but yet you’re doing the same damn thing. the things you’ve said to him, you could say, and in some cases have said, to others you’re talking to. you stay addicted to the feeling of the chase because it comes with no broken hearts and no chance of vulnerability. it comes with moments of satisfaction, but nothing that can tear down the exterior you’ve built. he’s got your attention, but it’s nothing that you couldn’t walk away from in a second, head in a different direction and feel no remorse. jaded – some would like to call you; the one who won't commit.
it’s like the second the chase is gone and feelings start to settle, you’re out. deuces. peace. bye. see ya. some may call this leading people on. some people might be right. well, are you? am i? is it even your fault to begin with? are you cognitively running through hearts just for the fun of it or are you just as blind to your actions as we’d like to believe you are – because no one in their right mind screws with emotions. does the idea of being with someone, and just that someone, forever scare the hell out of you?
don’t worry, it did me too. you’re not jaded. jaded is kind of a harsh word anyway.
i’ve ran from commitment. i mean anything that even hinted at feelings or any kind of “i like you” sent me hauling everything i’ve ever owned in the other direction stirring up dust trails underneath the wheels of my car. andddd bye! any kind of sweet gesture would make me physically sick and would be something i’d roll my eyes at because that doesn’t exist. people who do that are fake and are just trying to get something right? screw you and your wrong intentions. ha! you think i’m the type of girl to fall for your conniving ways. i see right through you dude and i know what you’re doing. keep it walking because you’re the one who is wrong here.
okay so pause.
lessons of this blog are as follows:
1.       there really are guys out there who will say all the right things at the right time and fool you. they do exist. sorry i don’t have better news here.
2.      there also really are guys out there who will say all the right things at the right time and whose actions will prove it over time.
there’s a difference. my problem was that i didn’t know how to give it the time. most anti-commitment people don't have the patience to wait it out because they're too busy making their next move. keep moving on.

sometimes when guys come on too strong, that also would send me running faster than a runaway train – even if they meant well. a lot of times they do mean well because someone who doesn’t, wouldn’t put time and effort into you if they didn’t see something extraordinary. this isn’t an easy thing to admit as sometimes it comes with embarrassment and the sense that you are broken. maybe you have been broken before. then maybe you healed. have you been in relationships your whole life? have you given your all and they gave you nothing? have you gave nothing and they gave you their all? there are a million questions you can ask someone to find out why they hide or run or stay at arms length, but never allow their fingers to intertwine.

i always used to talk to my dad about these type of things. my dad is a pretty cool dude i will say {even though he is a duke fan; don’t ask how this one happened. go tarheels.} and has been there for me after all these years from when i broke hearts and vice versa. i remember when i was 16 and i knew a relationship i was in wasn’t what i wanted, he and i would always go for a ride in my car to talk about it. he would tell me stories of his mix-ups and days when he was younger and made me feel like my life wasn’t in shambles if i broke up with some dude.

{daddy; me - with extremely blonde hair.}
a few years ago, i was the definition of anti-commitment. i don’t think i ever really knew why. but there was a guy that didn’t give up, wanted to know everything about me and my life and why i was scared, why i didn’t like elevators or blank movie screens and every other unique detail about me – there was nothing he wanted me to leave out. ultimately, my heart knows it worked out best for the both of us to keep it separate and not commit, but i remember talking to my dad about it. we were sitting in the living room at my childhood home nulling over the situation while sipping coffee on a sunday morning before church. i kept saying i couldn’t figure out why i couldn’t figure it out and he said something that has embedded itself in my head since that day. i can’t forget the nerve it struck in me because of the truth, even though i knew it would be more time before i could utilize the advice. i knew i needed to have more time to be anti-committal.
he said: “you know, amanda, a guy coming on strong doesn’t always mean wrong intentions. maybe he sees something in you that you may not see yourself. a guy that wants to talk to you all the time isn’t such a bad thing because you could always run the risk that he doesn’t want to make time for you at all. be thankful.”
my dad was always about humility; to be humble. i needed to be thankful and it took me a long time to see what was ever so clear to him. thanks daddy. a year and a half later, your daughter now sees what you were talking about. thank you for being patient.
there are so many awesome things to accomplish and places to see in this world. go hiking and see a view that will take your breath away. run a marathon. run five. go visit italy. go live in barbados for a year and learn new languages. watch movies every saturday in pajamas. become the ceo of a company. write a book. start a riot. volunteer at a shelter. make a mark on all 50 states in america. walk four miles a day. find the cure to cancer.  invent something. better the world. have a 40 hour a week job and love it. raise a puppy. make a difference. enjoy more madness.
you can do all the above a hundred times over, but at the end of the day, if you can’t look beside you and see someone there holding your hand, someone who you trust to support you through your highs and lows, someone to share your life with, really what’s the point?

so i say that we say no to anti-commitment. love when you dont know how to love. and when you think you are finally loving enough, love even harder.

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