Tuesday, September 9, 2014

7 things that happen when you watch football with a clueless girl.

we all know football is back and if you're like me who is content with watching it all day sunday, you know some girls who aren't and have no idea. when things get too rough, just throw them the heisman.

1. she goes in her boyfriend's closet and find a jersey. she finds one that's decent looking with no sleeves. 

she makes sure it matches her statement necklace and doesn't clash with her nail polish. check.

cringing as you speak. please don't. also that's a basketball jersey with no sleeves. try again. we're talking football here and for the football gods sake, don't wear a statement necklace with a jersey.

2. she sits down on the couch and tries to look excited. she says 'this won't last more than like an hour and a half right because i'm kind of hungry, and forgot my healthy mid-afternoon snack.'

wrong. football comes on for close to 12 hours on sunday. first games kick off in the early afternoon. that's right; that means there's nothing wrong with mimosas. the boys will be drinking beer and cooking something manly like beef jerky or smoked pork, so come prepared with a cute little recipe like hot dogs in a blanket if you suck at cooking or go all out with ham & cheese sliders. there is no dieting when it comes to football.

3. so kickoff happens. she watches the dude on the other end of the field catch the ball and starting running like hell to the other side, and half of the boys cheer when he falls down and the other look kinda bummed. she just mimics what her boyfriend does. he cheers when the green team does good so that must be his team.

a sign pops up saying 1st & 10. who is first? the guy who ran the ball? what's the 10 for? did he score 10 points? she says out loud.

2nd and 14? oh more points!!! that's good! but her boyfriend is pulling for the green team and according to her logic, they have 14 points 37 seconds in to the game, why does he look so mad?

good lord. those are downs. meaning the team on offense has 4 downs (aka opportunities) to get the ball 10 yards. boom - that's where the 10 came in. the 14 must mean the quarterback was sacked. you know what a quarterback is and what it means for him to get sacked....right? so he has 14 yards to go before the next 1st down.


hands down probably one of the most coolest moments in football; other than touchdowns. at least when your team successfully does it. i'm not explaining either an interception or a touchdown. if you don't get it, stop reading right now. you've lost all hope.

5. a few more plays happen and everyone cheers when a big throw gets caught in the end zone. first score of the game; so naturally everybody freaks out and then they start complaining! a small yellow ticket looking thing shows up at the bottom of the screen with FLAG.

"that wasn't holding!" "pass interference?!" "COME ON!" they all say.

hmm "flag?" like i surrender? ..holding? what's holding? pass inter-what? she asks.

holding means the defense or offense literally "held" back a player from running it's route down the field. this doesn't allow for fair play of the game. and pass interference is literally that too - interfering with the players ability to make an attempt to catch a forward pass. if the flag is correct, and the penalty is accepted by the team who didn't commit it, then that play is now void. however, if the penalty is not in the favor of the team trying to advance, they will decline it and keep their progress.

6. so they just scored. everybody lined up near the end zone and the dude just kicked it through the two pole thingys, she likes to call them. everybody clapped, but wasn't too thrilled about this. was that not good?

and are those black marks to look scary?

you're comical. that's a field goal. which was 1 extra point. 9 times out of 10 the kicker will make his kick. he literally has one job. people strike up a reaction of the kicker missing a field goal more than when he makes it - unless it's to win a game.

and no, as scary as the black marks make me look in these pictures, it's actually to deflect the sun or indoor light from their eyes.

6. 4th & 1 on the other teams 30 yard line. i'm pretty sure the guy just tried to attempt a field goal but completely missed and the other team caught it. did i get it right??

no. no no no no. that's a punt. the team didn't want to risk turning over the ball on downs, so punting was the best option. the punter kicks it as far as he can (within means) to place it down at the other end of the field.

7. it's the last quarter. her boyfriend's team is down one point and they just scored the last touchdown.

GO FOR TWO everybody keeps screaming. 

two...what? what's two???! you told me a field goal is 1.

you're killing me smalls. two point conversion. had they kicked a field goal, they could've tied, but a two point conversion is basically like another touchdown after the touchdown is completed and done instead of a field goal. if completed successfully, your boyfriends team will win and he won't be in a grumpy mood all night.

see? football is easy. don't worry, there's another game on monday night, Gretchen Weiners.

...but none for Ray Rice, bye.

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