Wednesday, May 29, 2013

when it clicks.

your heart does this stupid thing sometimes where it nitpicks. it combs through the details of someone and finds the things it doesn’t like or that it deems incompatible with you. it does this because you’ve made it do that; because maybe you’re a bit guarded. it then takes these things and places them on the forefront of your mind, highlighting their existence, spinning them  around, completely noticeable, like the light at the top of a lighthouse. you can see these things for miles. you can see them in the dark and you see them when you’re doing your best not to see them. sometimes this is when you see them the most often.
so you toy with the idea of taking a chance. you’re into it and then you’re not. it’s a gamble. it’s a game of tic tac toe; either side could make a wrong or right move in a half second and the whole game changes. it’s a seesaw. your legs propel you into the air, but the weight of your body like the weight that’s on your heart sinks you back to the ground and it’s up to the person on the other side to do their part to push back off to keep the flow. it’s a balance scale. too much from one side and too little from the other will offset the algorithm process to keep the scale equal.
you’re not ready or you’re not feeling it so you start to find ways and reasons to run. he tells you you’re pretty. you think too soon; he’s said this a million times. he texts you good morning. you think haha heck no. too clingy. he takes you on the most amazing date ever.  you think omg, i can’t believe he wore those shoes. his hair is too long for your taste. and i know he’s not going to cut it. he doesn’t play baseball and that’s all you’ve ever dated. aren’t they mostly douchebags? oh i just love a good chase!
you can spend your whole life coming up with things and reasons why someone isn’t right for you. they could be the best person ever and you just don’t want it. no specific reason and you ask your friends WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?  hey, nothing's wrong with you. and i think i’m supposed to tell you to give this guy a chance. i’m supposed to tell you that you don’t know what you’re missing out on. i’m supposed to remind you no one is perfect and you’re being too picky and that you should give them an opportunity first. but i can’t. because i don’t always do that myself and what fair would it be to preach something the person preaching it doesn’t even believe in?
i’m a believer in a few things but i definitely believe in “the click.” it’s that moment when you meet someone and they get your humor and you laugh about disney movies and they fire jokes back you faster than you can come up with them yourself. they don’t overcrowd your space and you can talk to them for hours and they don’t get on your nerves. this is huge. it’s not a good thing when someone you’re thinking of as a boyfriend to get on your nerves. they will do things for no reason and my goodness, this person will make you laugh. you’ll probably like that the most about them.
you’ll just click. it will be natural and they’ll move you like a hurricane. he’ll tell you you’re pretty and you’ll smile. his shoes won’t matter; neither will his hair. the good morning texts will be your favorite and a blind three legged dog could beat him in baseball. when it clicks, it’s like none of it matters. what you have in common overrides things that you don’t. you’ll spend time learning and growing and being open to doing so and holy shit, you’ll actually want to. you won’t know what tomorrow will bring or next week or next year and for the first time, you’re not worrying about it. because right now is this moment. and this moment is right where you want to be.

follow me on twitter: @agcrute

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

start a new story.

it was about a year ago or so i’d say. if you didn’t know me, you wouldn’t think anything of that statement and would just think i’m guessing a estimated time. but if you know me, you know better. you know i know the date. it was a year ago yesterday.
i’ve always had this thing with dates. i remember just about every birthday that’s been, at some point in my life, significant to me. i remember the dates of anniversaries; my parents anniversary, random dates that have meant something to me, dates of getting hired at dream jobs. i remember the dates of first kisses. i remember dates of bad days and good days and dates when it all changed for me. this is one of those times. i remember timestamps, moments, glances, blurs of weekend memories, and watching it fade in my driver side mirror the morning of may 6, 2012.
it was a sunday. i stood there in my two story apartment in greensboro, north carolina in an empty bedroom. there were no longer pictures of friends on the walls. my neutral color artwork no longer hung over where the bed used to be. you could see the remains of where they once hung. there were memories of me all over that room. there were memories of me all over that city. i remember standing in the doorway and the sun that showed its face from the open upstairs windows was lighting up the room. mom yelled up the stairs is that all? ... i took a deep breath. yeah, i said while i closed the door. that’s all.
flash back about three months prior. i was out a bar. it was the bar we always went to seeing the same faces we always saw. i was wearing some dress and boots i bought to try and distract my thoughts of whatever was bouncing around in my head. i remember the green walls of the bar and the same dj that spun the same tunes every friday and saturday nights and the same florescent lights and the same bouncer was always at the door. he’d seen me there so many times he didn’t bother checking my i.d. anymore. i remember standing there not even drinking and not even having fun. i was swaying to some song that was popular at the time, mouthing the words almost like i only existed there physically and my mind was chasing my heart that was somewhere miles down the road. why was i even out? i remember thinking there had to be more to life. i knew i wanted to go.

the city i wanted to start a new life in was very dependent on how little the number of people i knew that lived there. one of my closest friends had just moved to charlotte, north carolina and i think i knew two other people there. outside of 3 people in a whole city, the rest of the population there didn’t know me or my story or where i’ve been or who i was. they would only know the amanda they would meet. so that was that. in february 2012 i decided to leave everything I've ever known for the unknown. and i was terrified.
i had to quit my job i loved and find a new place. i had to find roommates and bedroom furniture and friends and learn my way around a place i’d only visited a few times in my life, but when you’re determined to make a change for the better, you’ll do anything to make it happen. a friend from college let me know she needed someone to live with so i signed a lease an extra hour and a half further away from my parents without a job. i’m a christian and i believe in the power of prayer and God providing for you because Lord knows i prayed and prayed for the right job, but i knew if it didn’t fall into my lap when i first moved, i would waitress wherever i needed to, to make ends meet until it did. God provided for me and blessed me with a job i love before i even left greensboro. the house and the job fell into place so effortlessly i knew this was where i needed to be. it’s possible y'all.
a lot of you are graduating and probably can relate to this. your whole life is changing and it’s happening so fast and you just want time to slow down. i’ve been there. but if you’re anything like me, you strive for the fast life and the thrill of it all strikes you hard and you live for that feeling. you’re going to be scared out of your mind – do it anyway.
so there i was a year and two days ago. my whole life was packed into two cars and a trailer; moving on and letting myself fall apart. letting everything that had defined me, shaped me, broke me down, lifted me up –letting it all drift somewhere in the breeze so i could rebuild myself the way i wanted to be all along. the lights of greensboro got smaller and smaller in my rearview mirror as i told it goodbye for the last time. oddly enough so did all of the people and the regret that came with it. funny how that happened.
a year ago yesterday i opened my eyes to a new life filled with exciting things to do and people to get to know and places to explore and beers to be drank and wednesday dates to be taken on and bars with lifesized jenga to be discovered and i felt free. i didn’t know that within the next year i’d pick up yoga or running again or meet and hear all the stories i’ve gotten to. i think it takes not knowing what you want at all and running with it that leads you where you’re meant to end up.
this past weekend on may 3rd i was headed home for a wedding – the one i blogged about a couple months ago. i have to pass by the greensboro exits on i85 north to get to roxboro, nc. i decided to stop by the city early that morning and see the people who hired me into my career; the only thing i miss about greensboro. it was weird. a year almost to the day i left, i returned. the road names were the same. the uncg water tower still stood tall. the light at the intersection of lee street and aycock street still took forever to turn green. i didn’t drive by most places i used to visit because i really had no interest, but the road i did take downtown where i used to work – it all was the same. there’s a winding curvy exit that leads you down to market street which heads into downtown greensboro that i used to take every morning going to work. it was still there. and the merging lane is still so short it will give you a heart attack to make sure you don’t run someone off the road. it was like i never left for a split second and there i was existing again where i lived and was comfortable for over 6 years. memories came back. some good. some bad. but all reminded me why i left and why it was hands down the best thing i ever did for myself. because i, too, was scared – but did it anyway.
coming back from roxboro, i pass the interstate split you see below.


to the left i85 south towards charlotte. to the right i40 west towards greensboro. thousands of people pass through this split every day without giving it second thought, going on about their day and their lives. but this split means everything to me – it represents where i was and where i’m going. old and new. and every time i choose the left lane towards charlotte now i’m reminded of the day i left. i had no clue what would happen or where i was going to end up.

there was only thing i knew for sure and that was i wasn't going back.
follow me on twitter: @agcrute

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

your last love is the beautiful one.

... and perhaps the most special one of them all. they meet you after you’ve been hurt before; maybe a few times. they have to press more. they have to endure more. they have to unveil all of your insecurities. they have to deal with a heart they didn’t break. they have to listen to stories of why your heart was broken and make pinky promises not to do the same. they have to listen to you talk about the time you loved another when they hate the idea someone else got that close to you; someone else existed where they want to exist forever and that someone else left you broken instead. they have to prove to you that you won’t end up like before and have to jump through hoops of trust to do so. sometimes we run from them. other times we push them away because we don’t know what else to do. sometimes we don’t believe the words they say because we have heard them all before. we don’t invest too much time or feelings because that would create vulnerability and we promised ourselves we would never give someone the power to destroy us again. we say we don’t need them, but when they’re gone, we find we miss them. at first we don’t want kisses on the forehead or to hold hands in public because that’s what others did and that only ended in a dead end road. our last love has to deal with constant comparisons and being judged and we don’t allow ourselves to fall as fast with our last love as we eagerly were ready to jump head first with our first love. with them, we wanted to taste the fizzle our heart was creating and feel every bit of it. our last love has to fight through an army of soldiers around the walls of our hearts who protect us from those who try to get in. they won’t let just anyone in anymore. they’ve been too trusting before.
i think we spend too much time visiting in the past while living in the present. you can’t control your mind from wishing your last love would immediately give you the comfort you had with your first. your last love is the unknown. you don’t know if they going to wake up one morning and not want you anymore so you think back to the story of your first love that you know, by heart, the ending to. you have time to prep yourself to take the blow. maybe you are already expecting there to come a time you’ll have to get over this love so you start teaching your heart how to now. but i think that you aren't giving your last love enough credit. considering your last love probably is just as scared as you are. they, too, probably have felt the not so good part of love, but there they are – being patient with you because they want to love you. because they don’t want you to blame them for what someone else did.  because your last love does just that – they last.
i say to hell with your first love. sure, they taught you a lot. they were the first one to make you vulnerable and to make you cry. they were they first one to teach you how delicate love is and beautiful at the same time. somewhere deep down you know that a tiny piece of you will love them forever; if you truly loved them at all. this will be the case even if you don’t want to admit it. love is love, remember? it doesn't truly go away. it subsides, but it doesn't go away. but you know, i still say to hell with that. a first love is great, but a last love is the most beautiful. the last love doesn’t give up on you or think they can find someone better or someone more attractive or more funny than you are. because they know there are people out there that are far greater than they are and they love you for still choosing them. i think we should give a big round of applause to your last love. because they will teach you something that your first love did not.
..that love still exists when you thought that it never could again.
follow me on twitter: @agcrute