the battle.

there are things about me that you don’t know.

these things i’ve tucked deep inside of

my heart

just for the sake of the vulnerability that come with letting them show.

i’ve fought endless

wars

against them yet their rein has always succeeded past my ever-failing power.

i’ve tried pushing them away, ignoring their existence, regretting their purpose and even

blaming them

on people who didn’t deserve it. but this is my fight.

it feels like i’ve been fighting for

years

now since the day that i fell. {since the day it all came crashing down.}

i think the biggest battle is not being about to let myself go. to really, truly, fully

l e t. m y s e l f. g o.

i want to open a window and release

release

it into the wind. weightless.

the part of me that i have been hiding is storming, is clawing, is praying, is fighting

to get out. and i've lost its control. the
hunger
has grown strong and i can't hold it back.

when can i let it if not today? what’s it going to take?

days have passed since that

day.

that dreadful hour when i lost me. color faded to black.

black turned to numb.

like waves crashing to the shore being tossed back to sea

 –

(i went back and forth for 5 centuries) ... until time halted. numb faded.
what's burned was left behind.

just like that.

it was over.

& now it’s beauty. i see the

end of the end.

like a leaf breaking free of a limb. like your first steps. like a free fall. exhilarating. effortlessly breaking free into you into me.

“i promise you i will try harder. i have battled with things inside me for longer than you know. i do not know what they are or why they are there. i only know that they feel manageable, defeatable, sustainable when i am with you.”

xo

-A

follow me on twitter: @agcrute

He's Just Not That Into You

If he texts you, and you overrespond (and you know what I mean by overresponding "OMG HEY! Wanna do something tonight? No? Tomorrow night then? I'm free then too. Kay! Can't wait hehe smooches!") and then your plans don't happen tomorrow night, he's just not that into you.

If you text him and he never responds....37 times in a row... he's just not that into you. Stalker.

If you wave at him across campus and he takes an extra 10 minute walk to avoid the sidewalk you usually pass each other on, he's just not that into you.

If you see him out, offer to buy him a drink, and he declines ...and goes to a different bar... on the other side of town, he's just not that into you.

If he only texts you between the hours of 11pm and 4am, he's just not that into you. I don't care if he calls you "baby" during the span of these hours either.

If he's never been to your apartment in the daytime, he's just not that into you.

If you are crying and he straight up laughs at you and says you have an ugly "cry face," he's just not that into you. Sorry about your face.

If you're drunk and he pushes you head first into a trashcan, he's just not that into you. This is a sure fire sign.

If you are still saying YOLO with a serious face, he's just not that into you. Your name is not Drake. And if it is, don't do this.

If you ask him to prom and he says "hell to the no," he's just not that into you. Bribing to pay for everything won't help either.

If you don't like sports, he's just not that into you. Why the hell don't you like sports?

If the only interaction you get with him is the fact that he copies your answers in Chemistry II, he's just not that into you. H2NO.

If you invite him over for wine and dinner, and he says he's got to watch his grandma's sisters husband's aunt's kids baby cousins cat who just had kittens, he's just not that into you.

If you like Honey Boo Boo, he's just not that into you.

Bottom line - if he's into you, you'll know it. And if he's not, wishing that he was isn't gonna make him change his mind.

xo,
-A

The Definition of Beauty

You buy expensive shampoo for $42 dollars a bottle. The conditioner is $42 dollars more. This shampoo makes your hair smell like lavender and sunny summer days. You slip into your lavish robe, tossle your hair with creams and straightening oils, blow drying it so your bangs tickle your eyebrows and your strands lay in loose curls at the ends framing your heart-shaped face. Foundation, bronzer, blush, eyeshadow, mascara, eyelash curler, eye-liner and lipstick. In that order. Your little black dress is hanging nicely on your steamer, without one wrinkle tarnishing it. You feel good tonight. You look good tonight. You feel beautiful.

I feel like when people think of beautiful, they think of the glamour, face value definition of the word. Full thick long hair, big lips, bright eyes, curvature of their hips, and being a size two. The definition of beauty is too concerned with your outside appearance - what you present to the world when you're viewed walking down the street. Have you ever had a night when you feel beautiful? Of course you have. You feel the eyes lay on you and the saddest part is that feeling, that rush is what gives you satisfaction. You did good. Your outfit compliments your body, that expensive shampoo has done your hair a favor and your makeup is natural, yet flattering to your skin tone. It's impressive to everyone around you and they don't even know you. You are percieved as beautiful, as desirable, without them even knowing your name or your story.

I think the definition of beauty is a little distorted. I believe we're approaching it from the wrong outlet. Just because your physical attire is attractive, doesn't mean you are. Don't get me wrong - there is nothing wrong with feeling good about your appearance and taking care of yourself - being proud of the way society views you at first glance. There is nothing wrong with workin' it. However, I think before people describe you as beautiful, they should find out what is or is not beautiful about all of you.

What do you do when no one is around? Who are you when no one is looking? The best judgement of someone's character is how they treat the people that can do nothing for them. When you pass someone on the street who has dropped their groceries, do you take the time and stop and help them? Or are you checking your lipstick in the nearby mirror? When a friend is going through a tough time, do you stay in and talk to them until 2 in the morning? Or is chatting it up with the hottie at the bar number one on your priority list? Are you the girl that vents all of your problems, expecting friends to drop their plans, but never finding the seconds to return the favor? Are you spreading rumors about someone whose heart would drop if they found out just for the sake of drama? Are you the girl who expects to cut in the line for the bathroom at the bar because "you just dont wait in lines?" When your grandma calls to check in on you and it's a bad time, do you call her back when you're about to go into a store so the conversation time is limited? Are you falling for attention that comes with the lies and deciet just because that's what everyone else is doing? Having an ugly persona hidden underneath of your beautiful outward appearance makes you ugly. Unfortunately, this is something that only gets revealed as time progresses, but time reveals all secrets. Make sure you remember that. The definition of beauty should be less about how the world views you after judging you on a scale of 1-10, and more importantly focused on your heart, and the selfless ways you extend to others who can do absolutely nothing for you.

Victoria Soto, the sweet teacher in the Conneticut shooting, had a heart so big for her kids, she selflessly gave her life over theirs. I'm sure you've seen her picture. She is very pretty, but after reading her story, I think we all can agree that is the definition of beautiful. Make sure your story is worth reading too.

If your beauty on the outside was a direct reflection of your beauty on the inside, just how beautiful would you be?

xo,
-A

follow me on twitter: @agcrute

No Boyfriend for Christmas? My Life Blows.

Not!

I know we're all supposed to want to have a boyfriend for Christmas. One where we can watch his eyes light up when he reveals tickets to that big UNC basketball game this spring he's been talking about since like 7 months ago when they played that other stupid team last time. You're supposed to want to snug up to his mom as she ooooo's and ahhhh's over your Christmas dress and new shiny black pumps. You're supposed to want to shoot the shit with his dad over the football game and impress him by yelling 4TH DOWN!!! when his favorite team stops the opponent, high fives all around. You're supposed to play checkers and board games like Sorry! with his baby brother and let him be the red pieces even though you always were the red pieces. You're supposed to want to talk about the latest boy gossip on Facebook with his sister and give her advice on the most recent douchebag in her life.

But who says you have to want all that? If no one else agrees, take it from me. Just because you are single this Christmas or last Christmas too or even 13 Christmases in a row, it doesn’t mean your life is over.

Let‘s look at the bright side of this.

1.       Extra money. I used to spend a hell of a lot of money on people I dated – especially the holidays. From extravagant gifts and creative presents, I went alllll out. Last year was the first time in 8 years I hadn’t had a boyfriend over the Christmas season. 8 YEARS. Granted, they weren’t the same boyfriend, but you get it. This Christmas will be Christmas number 2 ridin’ solo and you know what? I can afford even greater gifts for my family and friends and even have enough money to go get my fav Starbucks coffee with that extra shot of espresso if I so very well choose. I know that’s totally an exaggeration, but my life isn’t over because I don’t have to shell out hundreds of dollars again on a present I don’t even know if he will really like.

2.      Not having 2 Christmases. You get to spend more time with your own family and friends and even though you may have adored his family to pieces, you don’t have to rush to get to his house before his mom’s favorite pumpkin bread comes out of the oven. You don’t even really like pumpkin bread so boom, number two really is a double whammy win-win.

3.      No stressing about what he will get you and practicing your “omg! I love it” face in the mirror just in case what he gets you blows. I’m being a bit bratty on this one. Any gift that someone gives you, you should appreciate right? And by all means if he gives you something in a Tiffany’s box, you need to marry the kid. But this year you don’t have to worry about the present he gives you really end up being a present for him – i.e. frying pan so you can cook his meals, subscription to ESPNU so he can really watch his favorite teams, tickets to the big upcoming game he’s been talking about but promises to take you to a fancy dinner prior… you get the drift. Nope, just you and your Target gift cards that you parents know you’ll love. Go buy yourself something and bask in the loveliness of it.

4.      Did I mention you get to save a shit load of money?

5.      You don’t have to stress about what a guy wears to your family functions. Mainly because there’s not a guy coming! Whoo! You don’t have to prep talk him into wearing that favorite button down, the black shoes, not the brown ones and to make sure he washes his hair and brushes his teeth. Prep him on not dropping the “f” word, not laughing when grandma snorts when she laughs, and not to comment on your mom always burning the stuffing. YOU EAT IT ANYWAY AND YOU LIKE IT. Got it? Okay babe, see you in 20. ……nope. None of dat!

Okay, so fine, these are all out of humor. But the main point is just because you don’t have a significant other to bring home for your parents to overanalyze this Christmas doesn’t mean your life is over. No, you shouldn’t go hide under a rock when Aunt Susan asks where your boyfriend is and you have to say you don’t have one. Guess what Aunt Susan? I’m perfectly happy at this family get-together, celebrating a wonderful holiday with my family, got some extra cash in my pocket, and since I’m here without a date, there’s that much more wine for me to drink.


Happy Holidays!

xo
-A

follow me on twitter: @agcrute

Your Apology Is Too Late

With every red light, every white car that looked just like yours, every time I passed Warner Street, every left turn I made onto your old road, I prayed you'd say it. With every passing autumn whose leaves drifted to the ground, every single winter whose temperature mimicked the cold in your eyes, every warm spring that brought your touch back to my imagination and every memory that came flooding back from the summer, I hoped you'd realize. With every morning sun, every depressing moon, every drop of rain, every flake of snow, I wanted to hear it. Every Christmas tree decorated with the ornaments I bought, every Thanksgiving where my seat at your family gathering sat empty, every person from your church on Easter that asked where I was, every firework that lit up the July night sky just like it always would light up my eyes, I was hoping you would remember. Every crashing beach wave, every winding road in the mountains that we always drove too fast around the curves, every lonely interstate that lead us to Houston, every time Lightwave departed from that dock making it's daily trip over to the shores that lead up to that lighthouse, I wanted the flashback to take you back where we existed in those moments. Every time the wind combed through my hair, every stream of the sun's heat that excited your skin, every cool breeze that danced through your clothes, and every single breath you breathed that whited the air, I needed the thought to cross your mind. Every steak you overcooked on the grill, and every pancake I burned on Saturday mornings, every sunset in St. Thomas, and every tossed nickel in the well, I wished you'd recall in rememberance of me. But you didn't.

Time passed. You faded.

I drifted away. I became anew. I escaped.

Then, there it was four years later on Wednesday around 2 pm, you waltzed into the sunlight of my new life and you apologized. Four years. The words I retraced, replayed, ran around, rearranged, threw away, revived, restated millions of times in my head all those seconds of each day were real. They finally were real. All the days when lonely were the times my thoughts circled around you, the words I'd been longing to hear, I heard. There it was standing right there in front of me, but I couldn't reach out to meet your words. It was gone. There they were flowing from the tip of your tongue, streaming from your lips into my ears, gunning straight into my heart. But they continued right through my veins and left as quickly as they had came. In that glimpse of a memory I always tried to create in my head, I just stared into your soul, but I didn't feel a thing. Thank you for never saying what I thought I deserved to hear back then. Thank you for saving me while trying to save yourself. Thank you because you let me love me without even knowing what you were doing. Thank God for your apology coming just a little too late.

xo
-A

follow me on twitter: @agcrute

Your Journey Is Your Journey

I don’t know about you, but I’m from a place where it seems if you’re not married by 21 or on your second kid by 25, then it’s just a known fact you’re doomed & are going to grow old alone with your 15 cats meowing at the screen door. Now, if you are one of those people who finds the love of your life at 21, go ‘head girl, go ‘head, get down. Good for you. Or maybe all you have ever wanted to do is be a mother and raise 15 kids – you know what? Be my guest.

But that’s just not me.

Actually, I had a plan once. Somewhere in this head of mine I devised a plan that I wanted to be married around 22, poppin’ out kids and being done with it no later than the young age 27. In my head at the time, 27 was like the ancient years and your life was over so you may as well raise some babies to give you something to do other than work a 40 hour week and occasionally wash clothes. So at the toddler age of like 21 or so, the only thought I was entertaining was “helllllllllooooooo, let’s get the ball rolling because I am getting ready to graduate college with life figured out and exactly what I want to do with it.” I wanted the white house in North Carolina. The house with the wrap-around porch, and huge backyard so my kids could challenge me and their father in kickball on Sunday afternoons while the sun was setting. I wanted to cook one too many servings of Hamburger Helper and burn the toast for my family of 4 or 5 or maybe even 6. Money grows on trees right? It will be easy balancing a home because I have went and explored this world and whabam! I’m ready to settle down.

“Haha,” says Life.

Actually, Life just kinda stared at me for a good day or so and was like “You, my dear, are a dumbass.”

Dang Life! Way to ease into it, ya know? You didn't even butter me up before bringing me down. Life balled up my plan like a piece of paper and set it on fire. Turns out, Life was right. I literally thought the best years of my life had passed and was completely oblivious to the amazing opportunities that were awaiting on my arrival; things I would’ve missed out on, places I never would’ve traveled, people I never would’ve shared drinks with, crushes that never would’ve given me memories, lessons I never would have learned if that plan hadn’t turned into a crumpled up piece of paper ashes.

24 is not old. HEY EVERYONE WHO THINKS 24 IS OLD: it’s not. There are too many people in this world that have this set in stone plan and if you veer off the path for a second, you’re living life wrong. The whole kickball, sunset, Hamburger Helper picture I just painted: do I want that? Of course, I want that. My wanting of that fairytale has never gone away – the timing of when I wanted it just changed. It changed to when it’s best for it to happen for me. I changed my mind because I realized I used to judge my process of being single, having a boyfriend, getting married and having children on what everyone else was doing. Everyone else in that small little town or everyone else in the big city I currently live in. I don’t know who the love of my life is yet and I’m not going to force it just because half of my Kindergarten class already has. I was wrong. And if you’re doing that too, that’s where you’re wrong.

You have to remember to never compare your journey with someone else’s. Someone else may start out faster than you, or may seem to progress more quickly than you. Maybe you don't ever want to get married or have zero kids. Maybe you want to have 20. Either way, your journey is your journey. It’s not a competition.

xo

-A

follow me on twitter: @agcrute

Boyfriend No-No's

I don’t want a boyfriend who is going to call me at 3:30am just to say “I love you.” Dude I’m sleeping. Don’t wake me up when I’m sleeping. Plus he’s probably sleeping too and that’s just silly for him to wake up just to wake me up to say I love you when he can call and tell me in the morning.

And I don’t want a boyfriend who is going to buy me dinner every single night, an new iPad every time they upgrade it, every iPhone from now until iPhone264, tampons, all the makeup Sephora offers, a Michael Kors watch, everything in Nordstrom and pay my rent for me. I work 40 hours a week at a job that I love. I can afford my own tampons and mascara and to have the right to treat my boyfriend to a dinner once in a while. You can take care of yourself. It's called independence.

I also don’t want a guy who is going to bring me flowers every time he comes over to my house. It would take the magic and spontaneity out of it. It’s like trips to the beach when you were a child. Children who live at the beach don’t appreciate it as much because they see it every day.  Living at the beach takes the magic out of going to the beach. If you bring me flowers every day – sure that’s cool and all, but the beauty of a surprise and sweet gesture is when it’s unexpected and for no special reason at all. Plus you will go mad broke. Flowers can be $50 bucks a pop. Give me flowers just because it’s a Wednesday and keep the rest of the money for yourself.

Don’t give me your jacket when it’s cold. If it’s 30 degrees out, I feel like I would be smart enough to know that I need to bring my own freakin’ jacket. Duh? Guys like smart girls. If you gave me your jacket, you would then freeze your own ass off and more than likely I’ll just be sitting there in an oversized man coat while you are shivering like a puppy dog in the rain because I’m not smart enough to realize I could see my breath in the air when I left my house. Teach me a lesson! I’ll remember to bring it next time. Plus your jacket really doesn't go with my shoes.

And I don’t want my boyfriend to always let me win because I’m a girl. If you can shoot hoops and have a killer 3 point shot, NAIL THAT SHIT! I may or may not be granny shooting between my legs at the free throw line trying to murder you in HORSE, but that doesn’t mean I don’t wanna see my man make it rain on the bball court. That’s impressive. I like to know what you’re good at, not hide it so I can feel cool for 5 minutes for beating you in a basketball game that will have no significance three years later. (By the way, if I ever do beat you, I will never let you hear the end of it.)

Oh yeah, & I don’t want the boyfriend that will one day turn into my husband to think that our marriage will be based on what kind of ring he picks out. {Pay very close attention to this next sentence.} Don’t get me wrong, I know what my dream engagement ring looks like. I’ve pinned it about 47 times in my wedding board on Pinterest. But you know what? When a man gives you a ring, he is giving you his life. His promise. His commitment. A diamond is a diamond and whoever this guy is, is wanting to be with you forever, okay? This size of your diamond is not directly correlational to the size of his heart for you. I’d take a 1 carat faithful, loving man over a 4.5 carat lying, cheating asshole any day.

Think about it, Princess.

xo,

-A

follow me on twitter: @agcrute

I'm a runner.

Everybody has a way they deal. Some people go for a drive, some go for a workout, some go indulge in an amazing 5 course meal set to candlelight with swanky jazz soothing in the background.

Me? I 'm a runner. 

But a long time ago, I was a runner for the wrong reasons.

I ran from confrontation.

I ran from people I was very close to.

I ran from my issues.

I ran from every person that wanted to break down these walls I have built.

I ran from vulnerability.

I ran because I was scared.

I ran because I had no clue what I wanted out of this life.

But the time came, when I noticed all of this running was in circles; it was the same repeating path. Day to day, the same situations circled around me just as I was circling around them. And I wanted out. So this time, I chose to uproot my life and run - in the opposite way - in a damn straight line.

There are friendships built in your lifetime that you think you’ll meet them once, they offer you a margarita and they end up being your lifelong friend. There are friendships built over years and years that slowly drift apart. That’s the magic of life – completely unpredictable with no guarantees. I’ve had friendships and relationships fall apart and fall back together again. I’ve had best friends turn sour and ran from that as well. I say that point to make this point:

You can run in circles as much as you want to, for as long as you wish. You can alter your personality to fit in with people you don’t even like. You can fake a smile every day of your life and you’ll be making everyone else happy but yourself. But one thing rings true: you will always go back to you. The sand will run out. You’ll always figure out the friends that matter – the friends that love you when you don’t love yourself. The friends that will be right there waiting with open arms because they understood the madness behind your running.

There are bonds created and hearts linked that time can’t tear. Time only changes you so much and you can only run from it for so long. Maybe that bond will be your best friend from 2nd grade where you friendship started because you both had Barbie lunchboxes. Or maybe that will be the girl from your freshman year in college orientation class. Or hell, it could be your pet rock. But these bonds, these people who accept you for your strengths and weaknesses -- never let them go. Never let your sight of something temporary succeed over these people. You will always go back to you. And when you find that out, you’ll be wiser, stronger and surrounded by the friends that will look at you and say “I know you run, but this time I’m here to stop you.”

Although, I don't know where I'm running nor who will stop me, hallelujah, praise the good Lord above that this time I know I’m running in the right direction.

xo

-A

follow me on twitter: @agcrute

5 Types of Love

High school love.

You think it will last forever. He’s your first kiss. Your first kiss with tongue (whaaaaaaat?!). He’s the first one to hold your hand and the first one to take you to the movies. You bury your head in his shoulder when the scary scene comes on. He’s the first one to give you a huge stuffed bear on Valentine’s Day and who gives you that pretty heart strung on a white gold chain for Christmas. He’s the first time your hear “I Love You” even though you have no idea what the hell that means. And he’s the first one you say it back to even though he has no idea what the hell that means either. He’s the first sip of wine, the first taste of champagne, the first New Year’s kiss, and the first prick of sting when it’s over. He stays your friend and the two of you reminisce years later of the fun times you shared. He’s a distant shadow, a happy memory laid in the back stream of your mind.

--

Your first true love.

Your first love is unforgettable.

I believe it’s supposed to be that way. Your first love is the one who gets all of you- every piece of your naïve heart. This love makes your heart skip a beat every time their fingers intertwine with yours. The moment you give them all of you for the first time is time stamped in your memory. There are no scars, no cuts, no baggage, and no fears. Your first love is thrilling. It’s the first time your heart jumps head over heels off a cliff praying to grow wings on the way down. It’s the one you don’t forget; the one who changes your life; and the one you forever love all your life. When replaying stories of your past, your mind often drifts to this person first and the bliss you shared developing love in ways you didn’t know could exist. This love is red. This love burns forever, long after you stop wanting to be theirs. You genuinely wish this person happiness. This is the one you’re always curious who they’ll end up with and if she will be anything like you. This is the most vulnerable love and when this love ends, a part of you does too. When this love ends, you’ll never, ever be the same.

--

The fake love:

This is usually the love that follows your first true love. You’re used to the comfort and feeling of another warm body next to yours. You desperately wander hopelessly into this relationship looking to create the same closeness and security you received for so long before. You try to recreate the same memories and get frustrated when they don’t like the same things as your first love. He loved cheese pizza – this new guy is lactose intolerant. He loved football – this guy doesn’t know the difference between a first down and a fourth down. You stay with this guy for a short amount of time before your realize you’re kidding yourself. This love isn’t a love at all.  

--

The love that doesn’t want you.

This one is self-explanatory. If he’s not into you, he’s not loving you. Recognize the signs. Keep it moving.

--

The lasting love:

All of the previous loves in your life have prepared you and your heart for this moment, this second. All of your tears, the nights you spent praying for a sign,  the frustrations, the jerks – all of that has lead up to this. This is the love you approach with caution. You’ve been burned before & you have scars. It’s going to take a hell of a person to gain your trust again. This is the love you approach carefully. They’re probably doing the same with you. They’ve probably been torn apart before you. Be patient with this love as you would want their patience with you. This person will love every bit of you, flaws and all. They will love how your snort when you laugh, how the most fancy you get with cooking is boiling water, or how your socks never match. This person will be happy for all you’ve been through because it lead you to them. This love is the everlasting. This love is the beautiful one.

“Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes.”

You can’t fake love. You can’t stop loving someone in a day. Love doesn’t magically disappear from your life, even after the person does. I’ve learned you can’t create love where it doesn’t exist.

...nor deny it where it truly does.

 xo,

-A

follow me on twitter: @agcrute

When He Doesn't Call

When you like a guy, you get excited. I'm talking the giddy, shaky, holy cow bells I'm going to throw up, excitement when he asks you out on that first date. He swings by in this hot car, opens your door, and wisks you off to a fancy dinner filled with pastas and steak and wine. He takes you home, plants a kiss on your lips and says he will call you later. ...but he doesn't call you later.  Like what did you do? You didn't find broccoli in your teeth in the bathroom. You didn't slip on the entrance rug. You didn't scream holy terror when the waiter knocked over your sweet tea. You even offered to pay for your own meal! Miss I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T. Clearly, he doesn't know what that means.

It was literally so perfect that you think this kid just must have fainted off into a deep coma while driving and landed up in the middle of some pond and you need to start calling all local hospitals to make sure he's still alive. Because this was just so perfect that there's no way in hell this guy isn't calling. Turns out, there's a 1 out of 9,482,323,235.07 chance that he really did faint and is shacked up in some hospital bed. But odds are... that didn't happen. Odds are he was faking it.  

I know he acted perfect and I know you're left replaying the entire night, retracing your words and analyzing his every sentence - even going as far as breaking down the structure searching for some answer, some clue to help you with this madness. But stop. He doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Unless you're just a complete prick, no guy walks around stomping on hearts of women for fun. Actually, I know a few. But that's a whooooole other ball game. He didn't call because he didn't want to.

His phone still works. It's not floating in the bottom of some pond. He didn't go over his texting limit or his monthly mobile-to-mobile minutes. He didn't all of a sudden turn gay and you are totally, like ew, to him now. He got your text message two days later - "Hey you. I had a lot of fun the other night. Got any plans this weekend?" And he also got that missed call and voicemail you left too. "Heeeeeeey there, just never heard back from you! You missed a great party this past weekend. I won in beer pong. That never happens - you would be so proud, you......" Sorry, but he hit delete a looooong time before that. You don't need to double text him or call again - you will look psycho. Nobody likes a psycho.

When it boils down to it, he just wasn't feeling it. If he likes you, he will call. If he likes you, you'll get a text back. Or {shocker!} you'll get a text first. Remember all those guys who went text-less back from you? Remember those hearts that were lost in you, but you just didn't give a shit? OH HEY karma. The guy you actually did like doesn't like you at all. Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. You could be the biggest, juiciest, ripest, most peachy peach there is and there will still be someone in the world that just doesn't like peaches.

If a man wants you, nothing will keep him away. If he doesn't, nothing will make him stay. If he can't get you off his mind, you'll be hearing from him. If you never were on his mind, he doesn't really wanna hear from you. He's onto the next one - Jay Z said so. And we all trust Jay Z. So stop turning your phone off in hopes of turning it back on and receiving a missed text. Stop leaving it at home while you do errands & thinking magically because you are away, he will text you. Stop wishing on stars and spend the money you're throwing in the wishing well on a cute outfit for your next date. Get out of that dirty pond looking for his cell phone remains and get on with your life. After all, you are smart, beautiful, worthy and you damn sure don't have a single moment to waste waiting on someone who wouldn't wait on you.

xo,
-A

follow me on twitter: @agcrute

Thankful.

I'm thankful for the days when the sun is shining and for the days when it is not. I'm thankful for my mom and her mashed potatoes and the unconditional love she gives me. I'm thankful for my family, even though we are far from perfect. I'm thankful for my friends, old and new. I'm thankful for my best friend that lets me ramble on about the same thing ten times a day if needed. I'm thankful for blankets and for coffee and for wine. I'm thankful for my laugh and my cry. I'm thankful for things that make me laugh and for the times that have made me cry. I'm thankful for my grandfather being a man of God, as he entered into Heaven this past Monday. I'm thankful for the 24 years I was able to spend with him. I'm thankful for strength, for the ability of letting go, for the symbolism of such in leaves breaking free from a tree without a word in complete silence in an unspoken second. I'm thankful for being free.

I'm thankful for every break in my heart. I'm thankful for breaking hearts of my own. I'm thankful for losing it all just to gain it back, harder & stronger; a thousand times over. I'm thankful for the boys that didn't like me back. I'm thankful for the boys that did. I'm thankful for the boys I have loved in my life and the experiences shared. I'm thankful for the second family that became my own. I'm thankful for being single. I'm thankful for independence. I'm thankful for the ghosts, for the lessons learned, for the bridges burned, and for the roads I've yet to travel. I'm thankful for my future husband and my future children and all the lives I've yet to touch.

I'm thankful for hot showers, fireplaces, food on the table and shoes on my feet. I'm thankful for painted nails, sparkly dresses, Ryan Gosling, and country music. I'm thankful for memories - the times that are in standstill in my head, a piece of time halted for my personal replay. I'm thankful for my mistakes and I'm thankful for my flaws. I'm thankful for my heart. {I'll say this one again - I'm thankful for my heart.} I'm thankful for my willingness to give, to listen, to help, and to advise. I'm thankful for those who love me for that. I'm thankful for being the one people confide in because that means I've gained trust. I'm thankful for trust. I'm thankful for paying it forward and for the people in the world who do things for others simply for the love of it. I'm thankful for love.

I'm thankful for naps, fluffy socks, for writing blogs, and the people who take precious minutes out of their day to read them.

I'm thankful for you.

Happy Thanksgiving.

xo
-A

follow me on twitter: @agcrute

John 3:16

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

I’ll keep this short. I’ll keep this to the point. I want you to know Jesus. I want you to experience the faith, the love, the hope and mercy that I have. In your darkest hours, I want you to see the light. In your weakest moments, I want you feel His strength. In your saddest days, I want you to trust better ones await you. I know approaching 212 some odd thousand followers with this may be a little bold. But, you see, I’m a little bold so it works out.

I want you to know that I fail God daily with my sins. I am sinner. But every day, He never fails me. I have been renewed. I have been forgiven. He has pulled me up from rock bottom, restored my strength when I had none, wiped the tears from my eyes, took away any kind of pain, healed my heart and provided me with an even better life. It doesn’t matter what you’re going through, He can do the same for you. Faith is about trust God and trust His will for you. If there is one thing I have learned about this life and in the experiences I’ve been through, is when you’re down to nothing… God is up to something. Sure that’s cliché and sure it’s hard to believe when you are living in your worst days. It's hard to believe the best one are right around the corner. I know right now may be tough, you may be crying yourself to sleep and no one even knows, or you may be lonely and too afraid to ask for help. Go to God. Fully. Completely. Wholeheartedly. It’s not embarrassing to admit you’re sad. It’s embarrassing to do nothing about it. You are stronger than you know. That's the thing about faith: when the world tells you that you can't, it will tell you that you can.

Only July 31, 2001, I asked Jesus into my life. On October 20, 2001, I was baptized in His light. It was the best decision I have ever made. And I've never forgotten the date.

Whether your parents are coming down hard on you, whether your friends aren’t really your friends at all, whether the love of your life just left you in million pieces, whether you did something regrettably and can’t take it back – no matter the circumstance, God forgives you and wants to guide you through this. He died for me and my sins. He died for you and your sins. Would you dare you to believe that this pain won’t last forever? Would you dare to believe that you are still a beautiful soul? Would you dare to believe that the courage you need, you already have and it can be exponentially grown by utilizing your faith? All of this pain can fade to a memory. Would you dare to believe that?

I believed it. He showed me the way. He lives within me. Will you let Him live within you?

I've seen dreams that move the mountains,

Hope that doesn't ever end,

Even when the sky is falling.

And I've seen miracles just happen,

Silent prayers get answered,

Broken hearts become brand new,

That's what faith can do.

-Kutless

xo,

-A

follow me on twitter: @agcrute

She Let Go.

The sun rose the exact same way this morning. The bed didn’t seem as empty for some reason. It was warm and plush and comfortable. Today was no special day, really. Time ticked away the seconds of the day just like it does every hour, every minute. She brushed her teeth with that same toothbrush, applied mascara and Chapstick, and threw on one of her favorite tops, jeans and boots. Today was slightly chilly so one of her scarves hung delicately around her neck. She checked her appearance in the bathroom mirror and glanced over at his toothbrush that sat beside hers. She didn’t think twice about it and just tossed it in the trash. Her first class was at 11am and just like every Monday, she left 15 minutes early to snag a Venti Starbucks on the way to campus. In the back seat of her car, she noticed that old t-shirt that still smelled like him. She placed it in the dumpster that sat in the Starbucks parking lot on the corner of Fourth Street & Tavern Road. She had lunch with the same girlfriends in her major and didn’t mention the battle she’d been fighting. Didn’t mention it at all. She went to Harris Teeter to pick up some groceries for dinner and for once didn’t have to spend the extra $14.00 on shrimp. She hates shrimp. She cooked it anyway - so many times before to suffice someone else. But, not this time. She went and got a pedicure. She got OPI’s Russian Navy on her toes even though she was told so many times Russian Navy was a gothic color and he preferred pink. Her favorite television show came on tonight and the ESPN channel was nowhere to be found. It was just like any other day.

But today, she let go.

No one honored the success. No one threw her a party and there were no congratulations from her friends. There was no wine or ice cream and no one said they were pleased or proud or happy for her. There were no deep thoughts or words. She didn’t tell him; she just let go. She didn’t second guess it. She let go of the intentions, she let go of trying to fix it, fix him. She let go of their future plans and their future problems. She didn’t search for articles on the steps to letting go. She didn’t retrace her steps to see what she could have, should have changed. She didn’t ask her best friend what she would do in this situation. Bells didn’t sound, whistles didn’t ring and there were no fireworks.  She didn’t worry what he would think. She didn’t worry about what she would think. She didn’t write about it or make a public service announcement. She didn’t tell anyone. There was no definite time stamp or documentation or definite, clear moment.

In every bit of the normalcy, in all of its entirety, she just let go. It didn’t hold her back today. And she’s got one hell of a strong feeling that it will not tomorrow, either.

xo

-A

follow me on twitter: @agcrute

I Can Feel Again

Today at 3:33pm, I caught myself smiling for no good reason. It wasn't because of a super sweet text from a guy I have a little bit of a crush on. I didn’t just buy the omg cutest outfit ever! I’m not even drinking wine (yet). I did have a slice of pizza for lunch, but it was just a slice of pizza. It wasn’t mind-blowing. There is no date tonight that I should be giddy about and I don’t even get to see my best friend this weekend. But I realized one thing today when my lips were parted, curling up at the ends. Happiness. Bliss. I realized I can feel again.

There is no longer any glooming, haunting ghosts lingering in the shadows of the past. The clouds are not grey anymore. It doesn’t always rain. I don’t strive to be a size 2 because that would impress the people I’m around anymore. There are no fake lip-glossed smiles in the background spreading rumors behind my back. I don’t withhold my thoughts in efforts to not offend people in my life because I am too scared they wouldn’t respect my opinion. I am not a blank slate. My personality is not dulled. I'm not a lonely soul. My heart is no longer concrete. My heart no longer feels weighed down longing to pursue hopes and dreams that I thought would always remain hopes and dreams. I don’t wear makeup to cover up the hate or the tears or the pain. I don’t walk around on eggshells anymore, cutting my eyes to my right and left like I used to when going out with friends hoping not to run into people I really didn’t want to see. I don’t pick out my outfits in hopes of impressing people I don’t really give a shit about. I don’t hate the city I’m in. I don’t question my friends intentions. I don’t fake a smile, then go home and cry anymore. I don’t fake life anymore. There are no more demons. I can feel again.

I caught myself in utter glee because I am happy. Life has been restored in through my lifeless fingertips streaming up my arms, circling my body and to the very tips of my hair. I did it. I can feel every inch of every emotion running through my veins. The sun’s rays gives even more life to my movements and my smile has never been brighter. I wear whatever the hell I want to because I feel good in it. I want to dance around my room in an oversized t-shirt and sing into my hair brush with absolutely no makeup or pants on. I could stand to lose about ten pounds or so, but that just means I’m able to afford really, really good lobster mac & cheese. Every day is gorgeous. My eyes wake up to a thriving city every morning. My personality glistens. I gain my happiness and peace of mind by attempting to give the same to other people. My laugh has never been so effortless. Laughter surrounds me, and it spins out of control. My heart is weightless. I find pleasure in the little things again. The people I surround myself with make me a better person without changing who I am. I saved myself by finding myself.

I’ve found you can be the own love of your life. I have a freed heart.

 I can feel again.

xo

-A

follow me on twitter: @agcrute

A Letter to Nice Guys

Thank you for not falling into the trap of being an asshole. But I don't think right now, you're going to like this letter. I know it seems like all of the assholes are the ones getting the pretty girls. Well, because they can. The truth is the pretty girls just want to be the one the asshole changes for. These girls don't know right now that that's the longest of long shots. Every girl everywhere won’t admit this, but they want to be the one. Not that stupid terminology of “the one” meaning 'forever and ever, babe'  and rings and shit, but more so those girls want to be the one girl that asshole stops being an asshole for. John Mayer anyone? He’s ripped through the hearts of countless other girls, yet for some reason this guy has no trouble snatching the heart of another foe. Maybe it’s his abs, maybe it’s his eyes, or maybe it’s the fact that every girl on the whole damn planet thinks they can be the girl “John Mayer” retires his bad boy attire for, trading in for the knight in shining armor look. PS: ladies – it’s probably never going to happen. We keep on dreaming but we keep on trying.

But nice guys, you see all that is no good for you right now. I'm sorry I can't see that. I know somewhere deep down in the crevices of my heart, you’re the guy I want to end up with. You’re the guy who opens the door, who kisses my forehead, and who gives me flowers because it’s my half birthday. You’re the one I want to marry and have children with. But right now nice guys, I don’t want you. You almost literally get on my nerves. "Got plans tonight, pretty lady? I know of a good restaurant that has a great red wine. :)" ..... ugh. Why can't I eat that up?! I can't. Because right now, I want someone who is going to give me a thrill, give me a chase and make me not so certain of their feelings for me. Why? Because I am somewhat of an idiot. Nice guys, you’re the definite bet, you’re the 100%, and with you, I roll a 7 with two dice every single time. Right now, I still want to gamble with my heart on some asshole, but yet, I sadly expect you to wait. What's wrong with me? It’s not fair I know. I expect you to still be there ready to take me on a date and swoon me away into the sunset on a horse drawn carriage while the asshole would only take me to Burger King and with that, the only horse I would see is the toy that comes with the Big Kids meal.

I promise though, one day I will get my shit together and be over these risk taking, heart wrenching ways. One morning, it will all piece together in my head and your arms will be the ones I come running to. But that moment isn't today. I know I’ll hate myself for not noticing you sooner. Instead of blowing off your sweet texts and gestures, and rather being intrigued in a 2am “come over” text from an asshole, I’ll love the fact that you text me during normal business hours. You will win one day. Nice guys do finish last, but trust me, they end up with the girl. So nice guys, I’m sorry I can’t notice that now. I’m sorry I can’t notice you now. I still have a few more chances to take and a few more dice to roll.

xo

-A

follow me on twitter: @agcrute

Being In Love vs Loving

Being in love with someone:

I love you with every piece of my heart. The morning sun breaks through my window and I’m awakened by thoughts of you. I click my iPhone and there’s a text from you saying “good morning baby.” We usually sleep side by side, but you had to be up early today so you stayed at your place but you never let a second go by without me knowing I’m on your mind. We’re like disgustingly happy but not that annoying couple that can’t do anything without the other. Disgustingly happy as in people envy what we have in each other. You surprise me, sneak up behind me to hug me, and I really can’t imagine my life without you. You are the peanut to my butter, the see to my saw, the star to my burst. You complete me. I can tell you anything – things I can’t even tell my other friends. I call you when I’m mad at my mom or my friend pissed me off. My heart is connected to yours wrapped around, intertwined a thousand times in a row. I would do anything for you. I take care of you when you’re sick, hold you when you cry, make silly faces to see that smile of yours. There is no length too far or no road too long. My favorite thing about you though is not your smile or your eyes or the things you do for me. My favorite, absolute favorite thing about you is that I get to trust you. I mean wholeheartedly trust you. You hold my heart in the palm of your hand and could drop it at any given second, but you never do. You never will. You are the dream and in you, I have found the missing piece of myself. I know with everything that I am that you are the one I have waited for after all of this time. And the beautiful part about being in love, is that you love me just as much right back. You’re beautiful. We’re beautiful. I love you.

Loving Someone:

We had some amazing memories. There were times I didn’t know love could be that strong. I think back on us and I think back on all that you did for me – not just in things you bought me, but the love you taught me and most importantly the love I grew for myself after loving you. But that’s just it. I just think. I have no urge to contact you or tell you what really cool thing happened to me today. However, I am always going wish you the best, even after the heartache we went through. Even after the deceit, the lies, and the hurt – even after every terrible memory there is of you and I, I will always wish you the best. For every terrible memory, there is one that’s amazing. It took me a long time to separate the two. You’ll always seem to me the person you were then and not the person you are now. And I will always seem to you the person I was then and not the person I am now. I think we’re supposed to remember each other that way. Although I know I’m not in love with you and never will be again, I still care. I know that if I ever did need you, you’d be there and so would I. Our bridge has fallen apart, but the pieces lie in the bottom of the sea on top of each other. You’re going to make someone very happy one day and so am I. And I don’t think life would’ve turned out this amazing nor would I be this happy had what happened never happened. So to all those whose hearts I’ve broken and to those who have broken mine, I’m grateful for the heartache because it saved me in more ways than a person can be saved.

The biggest difference in being in love with someone and loving someone lies somewhere in between the longing for, the want, the need. Being in love means having that person constantly in your mind and your heart and just loving someone is from afar with a  few passing thoughts every now and then. But being happy, self-content, and loving your own life – now that is what you should strive for. Never, ever give up on that. Love yourself first. Be in love with yourself first.

xo

-A

follow me on twitter: @agcrute

Dear Me:

Dear Me at 5: Don’t fight with your brother so much. You don’t know this now, but that kid will grow up to protect you and bash the name of every boy that tries to hurt you. He may be the baby of the family, and okay maybe he was a cuter baby than you were, but don’t take him for granted. Don’t envy him. There will come a time when you’re older when you’ll move away – just an hour and half at first and he’ll grow and grow to the point where you’ll have to look up to him to see his face as he towers over your 5’8” frame. You don’t know this either, but even later in life, you’ll move 3 hours away from him and only see him once every couple of months. He’ll grow faster than ever and you’ll miss precious moments in time you can never get back.

Dear Me at 12: Stop trying to fit in. I know you feel like your American Eagle jeans and Abercrombie top make you “cool” but honestly they’re just clothes. You could get 3 tops at Target for the price of that one. You’ll eventually learn this. You will eventually loooooove some Target. The moose on that shirt doesn’t make you more popular. And ps: neither does that Robin’s Egg Blue eye shadow. If anything, that eye shadow alone probably aided in your “singleness” until the age of 15.

Dear Me at 14: He doesn’t like you. He won’t ever like you. It doesn’t matter how many stars you wished on, wrote entries about how he “flirted” with you in class, or pennies you threw in the well hoping to be his. He just doesn’t like you. Don’t waste 8 months “loving” him. You don’t even know what love is at 14 silly! By the way: he ends up serving time in jail and later has 2 kids, two different mothers. Bullet = dodged.

Dear Me at 15: Your very first kiss ever in your driveway in that car. Yikes. I promise you’ll get better at it and I promise you’ll grow to really like doing that even though right now you’re sorta kinda scared. It’s okay – you’ll meet girls who didn’t get kissed until 17. You’re still cool.

Dear Me at 16 – Your first broken heart. You’ll pull through. You’re 16. You still have no idea what “love” is. Don’t write that stupid letter confessing your heart and don’t find him in the hallway and demand an answer. There will be a day you’ll cry your eyes out in your car outside of your favorite coffee shop over it when you found he had a new girlfriend and one of your closest girlfriends will call your mom because you are in no position to drive. Take the advice she gives you: You will break hearts of your own, Amanda and your heart will break probably a few more times. You will be okay. Guess what? You’ll be better than okay.

Dear Me at 18 – I'm glad you had the strength to walk away from that guy. You needed these hard past two years with what happened. It will forever define you and what you think of yourself. But the strength you gained from that alone is empowering. That’s all I’ll say about these two years.

Dear Me at 19 – Jump head first into this new relationship. You need this experience.

Dear Me at 20 – Go visit your grandma more. There will come a day when she’s no longer here with you. You can’t ask her to braid your hair or have her fix you a grilled cheese anymore. She will pass away in 2008 while you’re away at school and you spend every day thereafter wishing you went and spent time with her instead of going out with your friends. You will always, always regret this.

Dear Me at 22 – Let go of that love a lot sooner. It will free you. Other than that, do exactly as you think you should because these next two years of your life will be the most self-changing, self-defining, self-growing, self-learning, independent years of your life. Don’t change a thing. There will be times you wish you could go back, and times that you will, but I promise you, if you hold on, you'll see why the hardest experience will turn into the best thing to happen to you.

Dear Me at 23 - Jump even faster head first at the chance to leave that town, leave those memories, and even leave some of those people to begin your new life, your real destiny. Be afraid – but do it anyway.

Dear Me at 24 – Hi. I’m proud of who you have been, who you are today, and who you will be tomorrow.

xo,

-A

@agcrute on twitter