Tuesday, January 29, 2013

to my best friend.

i met my best friend over margarita’s. shocker, right? but literally, i had just made new friends and walked into the party and the first thing this girl i didn’t even know said to me was “i’m not going to finish all this margarita. do you want some?” hell yes, i want some. boom; we were meant to be.

my best friend has been there with me through some of the coolest, most important moments in my life and i’ve been a part of some of the coolest, most important parts of her life. but i think it’s important when those flashbulb memories are replayed in your head, you know the one person who was always present or who the first person was that you called or waited to tell them in person just see their eyes light up.

we threw each other’s 21st birthdays, with help of a few other people fully equipped with streamers, cake, birthday songs, poster board of 21 things to do, punch, beer, a shot on the 21st of every hour and over 1500+ photos taken of each night, which we recently just went through together again. there are pictures from those night that i hope no one ever sees. But that's what we're good at - taking pictures and capturing the moment.

{her; me}

chasing boys, playing beer pong in sweatpants and laughing at old college parties and the dumb shit we had done together is what we mainly did when i visited her, since we no longer live in the same town where we met in college. one night in particular, she dropped an entire case of michelob ultra on the concrete floor. now i’m usually kinda pissed at people who my play with my beer’s life, or lack thereof in this case. but we laughed – died laughing actually as i snapped a pic of the remaining glass and posted it on instagram.

there’s one drive back that sticks out though. i’d say it was about a year ago after leaving her house from having a super fun-filled weekend together, driving back to a city i hated living in. the radio in my car quit working for some odd reason and there was nothing left in the car but me and my thoughts. she had always told me i could get out of that town – that i was strong enough. that's something she always kept saying: i was strong enough. the entire ride back i replayed our tipsy conversation from the night before where we’d stayed up until about 3am and as i pulled into my apartment complex, i called her and told her i was doing it. i was getting out, but i was scared. and she replied with “well if anyone can do it, you can.”

i’ll never forget that night in boone, nc when i was sad about what i thought was a mini-crisis. i was drunk and sobbing, tears falling like the rain outside and she grabbed my hands and told me to close my eyes. she prayed for me. right then and there in the middle of the parking lot in the back of that truck. she prayed the sweetest strength prayer for about 10 minutes. she was right there, her head bowed, eyes closed, both of us crying when it all changed for me. that moment is one of my favorites.

another one of my favorite days happened recently. this new years we decided to video tape the entire day and promise each other no one will ever see the videos. to give you the slightest preview it involved wine at the nail salon, juggling apples, 52 card pick-up, mcrerererere, failing a work test, a few choice words, pajama pants, a flushing toilet, ugly faces, backflips in the bed, screaming when the clock turned midnight and booty-popping in the kitchen. i know this may mean nothing to you, but when she reads this, she will die laughing. i think that’s basically all we do – is laugh.

we've made raps on the way to burger king at 2am, had our self-esteem go like ...what?!, tripped over trash cans at the beach, took pictures with fire hydrants?, tried to drive a bus at east carolina university, videoed ourselves singing backstreet boys, danced on tables, made bad decisions with white russians, broke boys hearts, been "wounded in battle," and shared one too many beers.

but i can’t forget the moment when her own life changed, when i was one of the first to know sitting there on her leather couch in her home. she is a strong girl, way stronger than i had been before, and she didn’t really break down much. so when she cried, i knew it was serious. i could cry if a stump my pinky toe, so of course seeing her pain made my own heart feel the same. she made a life changing decision, walking away from the comfort of something that she knew wasn’t right. i remember thinking that this was my turn now; it’s my turn to give the comfort, wipe the tears, remind my best friend of her own strength when she felt like she didn’t have any at all. it was my turn to be the best friend because she was the one who taught me how.

what it means to be a best friend is more than the definition of the word. being a best friend means loving the other one when they’re impossible to love, when they might not love themselves. it means loving someone when you’re angry at them because no one’s perfect and they will get on your nerves sometimes. it means knowing all of their highs, their lows, their deepest secrets, their tears, their strengths, their weaknesses, their faults, and their problems and loving them anyway. it means listening to the countless stories of what guy they like now and what their mom did that pissed them off and why their ex-boyfriend sucks. it means going and picking them up from the bar at 2am when they don’t have a way home. it means yelling at them when you know they’re screwing up and it means telling some guy off when he grabbed her ass. it means taking their hand and saying we’re getting through this together and saying call me instead of calling him. it means a look across the room and knowing what the other is thinking. sometimes it’s shredding a piece fabric together with scissors, and cutting some douchebag’s face out of a picture and ripping it into a million pieces. it’s a unique love, and if you treat it carefully, an inseparable bond.

never miss a moment to tell your best friend what they mean to you, for no reason at all. just earlier today, my best friend and i were google chatting, which ultimately inspired this post, and she sent me this: “thank you so much for being such a supportive and amazing friend. last year was a really rough year for me but already God is showing me that through all the darkness there is light and I am SOOOO incredibly happy!” and i replied: “me too!! You’re absolutely right!! Sometimes we have to go through hardships and we don’t always understand why and then one day out of the blue, God lets us know.” 

These two lines mimics our lives now. And we got here to that place, together.  

I love mine.

Go tell yours that you love her, too.


follow me on twitter: @agcrute

Friday, January 25, 2013

i think it all comes back in flashes..

...and timestamps. memories, imprints and a nostalgia of persistant faces reminding you of what you did. i don't know, it's like it takes over the present and daunts the future with anxiety. it's like you're afraid of recreating the failures and repeating the mistakes and walking in the same shoes again.

it's like you're afraid that taking this chance is going to end like it before. when you're standing at a dead end and can only go right or left; when you're left to figure out what is right. and you're scared of taking the wrong road. but how do we know when it is right, though? do we every really know? we search for this unsearchable security that doesn't exist.

i've had the feeling of security before, in good measure. and it stuck with me for years. but i think that's what scares me more than anything. how could it be that something i believed was so right was really so wrong? how did i miss the signs that were so obvious to everyone else's shifting eyes but were so blind to my own? and the craziest thing is that you don't see it until you're out the equation; until you're the outsider in your own life. when you take yourself out of your own mind and view it with an emotion-free heart, the reasons why it was so wrong come to life. suddenly they're standing right in front of you asking why you never saw them before. and you literally have no answer.

and then it just clicks. the pieces of the puzzle finally fit and you realize it was like all your failures and bad judgments were just haunting you in the back of your mind as ghosts waiting for you to bring them to life again; waiting for you to revive them. they had rooted themselves and it made it harder for you to shake. you had built walls that were nothing but glass and everyone saw through it. everyone watched and waited for your next move. but they never had control over you, you just believed they did. and that was enough life for them to take advantage.

i think when it comes back in flashes now, you can face the demons. i think enough time has passed when your mind doesn't automatically shift to who's judging you on these mistakes anymore. experience is one hell of a teacher and my goodness, you learn. there is no love that is the same. the way you loved before doesn't dictate the way you'll love next and i know sometimes it feels like there won't be a next. but you also never thought you could face these dark secrets. but that's what life does. life surprises you just when you think you've got it put together. you're fighting for a greater purpose that hasn't been revealed to you yet.

you have to be careful not to view life in snapshots, but instead, as a movie. because the single moments in time do not dictate who you are as a person.

but don't you know who you are? you are more than the choices that you've made. you are more than the sum of your past mistakes. you are more than the problems you've created. you've been remade.

they say history repeats itself. but i think they're just full of it.


follow me on twitter: @agcrute

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

timing is everything.

it’s tuesday. i’m already in a stupid mood because the skirt i’m wearing is a tad too tight from being dried in the dryer last night. don’t you hate that? stupid dryer making me feel like I’m having a fat day. i’ll never forget the reason i’m wearing the skirt is because i’m already running 15 minutes late for work. i am never late. my shower took longer than 3 minutes to heat up, i’m out of shampoo and had to steal some of my roommates. i only had about 5 minutes to run my straightening iron through my hair before i plopped on some chap stick, mascara and was out the door.

…..only to turn around because i forgot my suit jacket. work hass been intense this week and it is only day 2. my biggest client in town and i only have 2 hours to seal the deal and i’m already running 15 minutes late. this 85 year old grandma with a walker is just trickling across the street even though my light is green. REALLY LADY. this is not a sunday stroll. a black mercedes cut me off which is soon followed by a long blare of my horn and a “what. the hell. are you doing.”

22 minutes late.

the speed limit is 55; you are going 12. MOVE.
oh shit, is that a cop? shit, that is a cop.

25 minutes late.

yeah, this is my tuesday morning. far from perfect. offff course it starts to rain. my hair and rain aren’t exactly bff’s if you know what I mean. not to mention no one can drive in the rain. it’s almost like the exact second the drop of water collides with the pavement, a sound of utter dismay is alerted to all drivers transforming their brains to mush constantly slamming on brakes and swerving rain puddles. because that’s a good idea? there’s nothing smarter than swerving into someone else’s lane to avoid harmless water. Lord forbid your car get wet! in the rain!

i'm not always in these type of ranting moods. actually i’m kind of cool, but you know when you have those kind of mornings when you wake up on the wrong side of the bed? {side note: what the hell does that even mean? why does one side of the bed dictate the future of your day? dumb phrase.} but your whole day is just thrown off. you’re tripping over cracks in the sidewalk, your favorite wallet breaks and you’re two seconds away from throwing your work computer off your company building and laugh while it plunges.

27 minutes late.

why is this big transfer truck blocking the entrance? the line is about 7 miles long and i’m over exaggerating because i just want to get inside. i swear if one more thing goes wrong i’m going back to bed and pretending like today never happened.

32 minutes late.

one heel blister and two cups of coffee later, i’m settled. my mood still is kinda ughhhhalsejf;a because the meeting is next door and there’s no overhead to protect my hair from its worst enemy outside. i grabbed my purse to rush out into the monsoon with the wind flipping my umbrella upside down. water is splashing all over my $120.00 heels as my eyes are rolling because there’s nothing i can do about it. but because i’m a nice person, i flip around, the wind whipping my hair in my face, to see if anyone is behind me. and once i got to the door, i stopped on a dime.

i remember that day that our eyes first met. you ran into the building to get out of the rain, you were soaking wet. as I held the door, you asked my name. timing is everything.

you smiled at me as i answered and said I looked like an “amanda.” i smiled up at you and asked “what in the world did that mean?” - all thoughts about my meeting vanished. you said you didn’t know as your cheeks turned red. we talked for only about 7 minutes, 43 seconds, but it felt like hours. i have never believed in love at first sight until that moment. i shuttered the thought from sheer embarrassment and said i had to go - the reality of this meeting setting back in. your hand ran through your damp hair as you tripped over your words and i swear i've never experienced a moment where someone read my mind. you stuttered “i'm new to charlotte, do you want to get coffee sometime?”

i said “sure.”

it could have been a sunny day. traffic could’ve been normal. the little old lady didn’t have to cross at that moment pushing me 5 more minutes late. my skirt could’ve fit and i could’ve remembered my jacket. i could have been another minute late and i never would’ve ran into you and your green eyes this morning at 10:12am.

it can happen in high school. it can happen in harris teeter. it can happen in a bar. it can happen in atlanta. it can happen at a soccer match. it can happen on a rainy terrible tuesday morning.

timing is everything.


follow me on twitter: @agcrute

Monday, January 21, 2013

not everyone is going to like you.

when i was younger {and by younger i mean like 6 months ago}, i always felt the need for everyone to like me. i bent over backwards. i smiled when i was mad. i didn't punch that chick in the face when she really deserved it. i agreed to do favors even if i thought it was wrong or stupid or didn't have the time to do them. i never said no. saying no right then just seemed weird and awkward and i feel bad now; cool. it’s like i sorta kinda allowed myself to be everyone else’s little punching bag, gutting me when they felt like it. low blow.

honestly, it was exhausting. my heart grew tired of the constant struggle to please everyone but myself. i took the phrase "putting others before yourself" waaaaaaay too seriously. and i'll never forget the moment i realized iiiiiiiiiiii am kinda being a dumbass right now. i was sitting there looking a girl who was my friend but i'm not really sure if she ever was a friend at all. i was giving and giving and she definitely knew how to take. i took a good look into her eyes and finally came to terms that our friendship was a joke. she was holding me back, delaying spreading my wings into this future everyone keeps talking about. and there i was, a 23 year old woman with endless opportunities, but was sitting there doing what i always did receiving what i always resove. okay, so “resove” it’s a word, but you get the idea. quirky humor, hardy har. i was sitting there listening to her rant about her asshole boyfriend when i could be changing the world and shit. i'd been living such a lie trying hard to better all the things and people around me to try and better myself; when in reality it wasn’t me that sucked at all. it was them.

amanda, not everyone is going to like you. i have a tendency to write letters to myself sometimes. sometimes there are truths to them, but most times they're as fake as the chick i was just writing about. this can kinda be one of them. and then i share it with all you guys and BAM; turns out there’s people in the world like me. people who can relate. people who know they have a good heart and people who are those fun suckers to try and take advantage of it. there will be people that don't understand your silly humor and there will be people who don't like the way you laugh. and there will be people that hate you for your successes and pound you for your failures. they won’t let you ever forget those failures. but letting them rule you – that’s the real failure in itself. that little black lady said it best - ain't nobody got time fo dat. there will be people who hate your spaghetti and take advantage of your willing ways. i figured out there were people who judged my kindness for weakness and wanted to utilize my weakness for their gain. anddddddd no. you suck, you fun sucker and my life is way too cool for you BYE.

have you ever had a moment when you feel your  name was thrown under the bus, and that damn bus backed up and hit you again? like ow. i mean i’ve never truly been hit by an actual moving bus, and didn't have the time to survey someone who has, but i feel like i can pretty much conclude it wouldn’t feel awesome – but i have had that moment. and it’s like all of a sudden, i started telling fewer people my stories and i'm not saying i dropped people in my life like flies but i kinda dropped people in my life like flies. buzz kill.

i don't know if there is anyone else like i was, and even to a certain extent still am. i will do anything for the people i care about. i will stay up until 4am to listen to you cry, i will advise you all day until i'm blue in the face, even if i don't have everything in my own life figured out. but what i learned was that i can tell you what i think and when i believe you're being out of line. and if you're like me, so can you. everyone isn’t going to like you. but if you like yourself, have a handful of great friends and family, you won’t have time to hate the people who hate you.

because you will be way too busy loving the people who love you.


follow me on twitter: @agcrute

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

wherever you are, be all there.

i sat there and i used to stare at those six words and sometimes my mind drew a blank. it's like i couldn't wrap my mind around the concept of not being wherever i am, you know? the only concept i'd compare it to is that i would wake up in the same bed each day. i would brush my teeth in the same bathroom. i would drive the same road to work every day; so many times even i feel like i could do it if i were blind. i would come home and decompress, drift into my mind and let my thoughts unravel the same way. i would close my eyes and fall into my dreams. so when i sat there, i'd think what do you mean wherever i am, i need to be there? i am there, right?

but i think i was wrong. sometimes i looked at the sentence and it would hit me. like a transfer truck speeding 95 miles per hour with lodged brakes and no sign of stopping. this is just not a body, you see. i am a soul. i have feelings and needs and thoughts - some i share, some i wouldn't even whisper to the devil. i'm not living life, am i? i'm not being appreciative. i'm not breathing it all in. i'm cheating myself, you know? and it's embarassing to say and embarassing to admit that i wasn't living in today. and when it was all said it done, it was just me and the skeletons hidden in the closet.

while i was living in what i confused with the present, i was already gone. i was already moved on and i think the happiness and the person i'd always wanted to be was waiting on me to find it and to stop holding on. i made some mistakes that i'd knew i'd make and hurt some hearts that hurt mine. but what i'm trying to say i think you can enter each day as a blank stare; as an emotionless body just fading from day to day because your heart and your mind are living in another time. have you ever recalled a memory while driving? your thoughts take over your mind and the next thing you know, you're 35 miles down the road and can't recollect how you even knew what lefts and rights to take. don't live like that. and i know it's hard to love where you're at when you want to be somewhere else. but the truth is you probably don't even want to be there. you're confusing happiness with comfort.

the unknown is probably the most scariest thing. there's no guarantee. you were hanging on to what was known as a guarantee, because it was safe. but i don't think it should be that way. nothing about life should be that way. so, that's what those six are trying to tell you. that's what im trying to tell you. view it all in color, capture the moment and remember it. laugh! kiss a boy you've been dreaming about, drink one more drink, live in the present. such a small saying but with endless power. and with great power comes great responsiblity. the responsibility is yours. this is such a beautiful life and these are moments you'll never get back. and these moments are what build your life.

wherever you are; whether it's a big city or a small town or Mars or a school building or a bedroom or hotel or the moon or a meadow at sunset or your very own heart; wherever you are, be all there.

it will set you free.


follow me on twitter: @agcrute

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

you will heal.

every storm runs out of rain. time closes doors. i step into a whirlwind of emotions that spins to stale air and i'm outside lost in its magic and dreary clouds. every second ticks to the next matching the deep gasps that overwhelm my lungs. but with time, everything is different. patterns turn solid, color drifts to black - not even black; worse than black. color turns colorless, it's almost like negative air.  all this happens as time moves on. time makes me want to scream into a mirror and pull my hair out and slap myself to wake up from the nightmare and fall to my knees because that's the last place left to fall. time makes me strong because i have no other option other than to be strong.

time makes me question. time plays these horrible tricks and games and creeps into my mind taking over my soul; changing me into my worst enemy making me forget everything i needed to remember. my blonde hair fades to brown, my blue eyes turn gray, a chill trickles through my spine as i push and push memories of you away; as i try to recreate new to replace the old.

i look around and everything is different. there are different faces and places; there is more traffic and some of the people aren't as nice here.  i feel like it didn't happen all at once though, even though so many times i prayed for it too. take it please, God, reach into my heart and steal this feeling. but i feel like God thought that would've been too easy for me. he wanted me to fight this. i almost think he knew i wanted to beat it myself, in my own time, in my own way. i've always heard he gives the strongest battles to those who can handle them. God allowed me to fight so it was obvious i needed to lose everything i thought i needed to fight for.

time closes doors. time turns flames to embers.

if i try to put it into words, i feel like it congests and overcrowds what i'm trying to say. being healed. words don't do the feeling justice. but i do think one day it hits you. just like that. thoughts are continued without interruptions of their thoughts. you laugh and it wasn't because of something they said. you can go to that old ice cream shop, the one with the revolving doors, and order a single chocolate cone, pay for it and leave without a second thought.  days melted into years when the tears fell effortlessly until the storm ran out of rain. and as much as you hate time, time will save your life.  

as for me, i never asked for it to be over. but then again i never asked for it to begin. that's the risk with life, the worst days come when you least need them too and some of the most beautiful days come completely by chance. but even the most beautiful days eventually have their sunsets. and the wounds from the worst days will eventually heal.


you will heal and it will be beautiful.


**this one is for one of my best friends who inspired this post & whose story should be shared.

follow me on twitter: @agcrute

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

i won't give up on you.

after all this time, i haven't given up on you. and every time the sun touches my face, i pretend it's you. i sat on the porch just the other night gazing up in to the night sky dreaming of fireworks and pretending they were all for you. with each burst of color was a reminder that you could've seen them too. i've been frowned upon and called a dependent and labeled delusional for not giving up on you by now. you've given me a million and one reasons to walk away; walk away from us and to just settle for what i don't deserve. i can admit that you haven't broken any of your promises simply because you haven't made any to me yet. you've kept me waiting in the rain. i've replayed our scenes over and over in my head, acted them out branching different solutions to keep you in my heart forever. over and over and over. you seem distant some days, yet whenever there is a breeze trickling through my hair, it fades into thoughts of your fingers untangling it.

my mom asks about you. i say i don't know much because that's the honest truth. it feels like forever since we have talked, {maybe because it has been}. my dad still doesn't like you even after i told him you're a good guy. but as a 24 year old woman, what little girl's father wouldn't be skeptical about a guy his daughter wants to be with forever and his lack of coming around. i'm starting to think they think i'm crazy for not giving up on you. i think they think i've lost my hope and my faith in a drowning sorrow of sweet nothings.

maybe they're right.

my friends subliminaly drop hints that i shouldn't expect so much from you because you have yet to give me all of what i need. i'm turning down guys, actual good guys who want something to do with me because i don't get the feeling with them that i know i get with you. i miss you. i wonder what girls you're talking to now and if you really even like them at all. or if they could just be another void you're trying to fill - just like i am. but sadly enough, looking back on my life so far with you, you have yet to give me anything. anything at all. i'm growing weary waiting on you to come around yet day to day, one foot in front of the other, each new year that passes, i haven't given up on you.

maybe i am delusional by your unknown kiss or your lifeless touch. but i think the craziest part about all of this is i don't even know your name. i don't know your eye color, your hair color or even who you are or where you are at all. i've never laid my eyes on your face. but what i do know in all of my heart is that somewhere you are looking for me too. you search the sea of people on the streets and the crowded bars and subways waiting to lock eyes with mine. and one day we will find each other. although i don't know when that will be or how long i will have to keep waiting, i do know that there will be a moment frozen in time and i won't be able to look away from you. and for that moment, my hope, that glimpse of eternity that lies in my crevices of faith - for all that you will be, i'll believe.

and i will for you, i'll continue to wait. i'll continue to fight. for you, i won't give up.


follow me on twitter: @agcrute